Many Changes.

Professionally, I'm adjusting to my new job.  It is much more physically demanding - teaching and caring for a class full of infants is very busy!  Each one is very different with their own personality...not a new concept, but so very much obvious as I've gotten to know them the past few weeks.  Mentally it is learning their cues, voices, and likes/dislikes.  Discovering their current skills and challenging them to develop further in ways that they find enjoyable...not always easy!  Physically it is comforting, rocking, bouncing, varieties of facial expressions and eye-contact, bending over, holding my arms and legs out for periods of time as I care for multiple babies at a time.  My body is remembering muscles it forgot it had! 

Emotionally, I am up and down.  Sometimes I am very positive and can easily see the ways that God has worked in my life through the trials I've lived this year.  Other times the negative emotions and memories weigh on my mind.  My life has gone through major changes on all fronts and living it is sometimes uncomfortable because so much of it is new.

Spiritually,  God is bringing me back into a place where I can learn and grow, rather than be overwhelmed and trying to make it work on my own.  I was so far out of my gifting and so far from where I needed to be for my own whole-ness.  I don't miss my old job at all.  It still seems strange to say that, after all the loyalty and passion I had for it...it is not even a concern at all.  It's completely in God's hands and out of mine.  I do miss the relationships.  Thirteen years in the same place is a great way to develop relationship, and I miss the encouragement of my fellow Christian women.

Personally, I still wear hats of responsibility at home that keep me busy.  The time God gave me between jobs enabled me to be home with my children for a good portion of the summer and beginning of the school year.  Instead of working to achieve the goal of being WITH my children, there was not much else in the way.  And now, with the job I have, I get to pick them up from school every day and work rarely follows me home.  Work is work and home is home.  That piece is very refreshing.  I feel more able to serve from compassion rather than obligation in both realms.

Coping.

This is my year to be broken.  A scary car accident in April.  A hurtful end to my longtime job in July.  Starting a new job in unfamiliar territory.  A second terrifying car accident.

I am not myself.
Because I don't know her anymore.
Her confidence is shattered.
Her way of life as she once knew it, is gone.
God is making everything new and it hurts.
I just pray He makes me whole again. 
With confidence and trust in Him rather than myself.

The most recent car accident lands on my shoulders for the weight of responsibility.  A split second misunderstood expectation of the other driver's intentions and a decision I couldn't change once I acted on it placed my daughter in harm's way.  The thousands upon thousands of driving close calls we see on a regular basis, and this had to happen.  I now fear intersections.  I take routes specifically to minimize the potential of risky situations.  Driving brings anxiety, especially when other vehicles drive unsafely.

I do not feel guilty.  Only broken.
To watch her fall in and out of consciousness in the hospital.
Not knowing the extent of the harm my actions caused.
I am grateful she only received a concussion and nothing more.
Her cognitive abilities are returning.  I hope and pray she recovers fully to her prior self.
I remind myself that God uses all things for the good of those who love Him.
Somehow He has a plan and purpose within all this for my benefit.  For her benefit.

Watching her flit around the house, seemingly without an understanding of where she was going or what she would do when she got there.
Watching her unspoken struggles. 
Unable to play her favorite computer games.  Unable to draw as detailed as she used to. 
Her sadness in realizing that she couldn't make the pencil grace the page and settling for less.  Or simply giving up.  Unable to focus or concentrate. 
Mental exhaustion comes quickly and easily.  The first few days of recovery are very relaxed and lazy as simply watching movies or attempting a task causes fatigue.

Realizing that our whole family needed to make adjustments for her as she heals.
Previously always trying to keep up, her sister now is patient and loving with her, playing in simpler ways.
Finding ways to keep her mind active while not pushing her too hard.  Re-adjusting our understanding of her abilities.
Physically helping her to bathe, as she lacked the coordination and even the recognition that she didn't complete a task.
Watching the bruising on her body and face expand and heal with the beautifully ugly colors of purple and yellow-green.

She is greatly improved within the five days since the accident.  Her memory is recovering its attention to detail.  Her coordination is improving and the stumbling less frequent.  Her last bath, she was close to her previous abilities to accomplish the task.  She has successfully been able to return to school.  Her teacher working with her, still working on the same subjects, but decreasing the workload for her to a manageable level.
She still is restless at times.  Wandering aimlessly about the house or a room, picking up objects and putting them down elsewhere.  Asking to do things and moving on before an answer is given.  My guess is her mental perseverance is wearing thin during these times and she needs rest, but doesn't recognize it.

I am thankful she is healing.
I am thankful I am healing...emotionally, physically, spiritually...