Saturday, August 30, 2014

The HEART of the Matter

As I have repented and mulled over my outburst of anger I am learning about myself and discovering more of who I am versus who I portray myself as.  James chapter 3 speaks of controlling the tongue and the difference between worldly wisdom and godly wisdom.

My typical behavior often portrays godly wisdom traits.  Selfish ambition and bitter envy are not things I recognize in myself, but I think they are subtly in my personality in their own ways.  Often the person I portray myself to be has very selfish or bitter thoughts.  I just don't express them outwardly.  Realizing this means that yes, I can be passive-aggressive.  More than that, I'm understanding more of what it means when the bible says that God looks at the heart.  Even if I'm behaving in a godly manner, God knows my heart and my true attitude about a situation.  I want my heart attitude to match my behavior, and I don't want it to be in a selfish or bitter way!

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Anger

Anger got the best of me.  Circumstances pushed all the right buttons and I am learning I am capable of some very strong anger.

I have always avoided conflict; flown under the radar; stayed in the safe-zone.  My job has put me front and center.  The person I've always presented myself as, is changing.  I am not sure how I feel about it.

In my job there are few policies.  Decisions are simply made and rules have always been treated as guidelines.  I have spent the past two years putting policies into place and enforcing rules...not to be rigid and controlling, but to bring into place accountability and consistency.  I watched my predecessor say yes to one employee and then no to another simply based on the emotion of the day rather than having a policy that outlined a consistent answer for all employees.

My new boundaries were tested.  A couple people have gone to my supervisor rather than to me and I got angry.  Very angry.  So angry that I expressed it to them.  I have lost my cool with an adult for the first time in my life and I have damaged a previously good working relationship.  We talked it through and can work professionally, but the relationship that was once there is no more.  There was no admission of wrong doing on either side, so the silent agreement to disagree and move on is what is left.

I dislike this feeling.  I dislike that the relationship was damaged.  I could apologize, but only for allowing my anger to come out in my words.  I am not sorry for what was said, just how I said it.  If I would have waited to respond it could have been said in a less aggressive way.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Putting God First

It's been a slower process than it probably should have been.  I am still figuring out how to make time for God.  He doesn't want to be my last minute -let's squeeze in a few minutes before bedtime- relationship.

My pastor is known for saying, "If God is telling you to do something -do it!" Obey immediately, don't wait, don't delay.  The sooner you step into God's will, the better for you.

I have delayed, but God is still lovingly guiding me and reminding me of His desires for me to know Him more.  Friday night was a meeting at work and afterwards I hesitantly told God I was going to start making those changes to make Him first.

I didn't commit to making time verbally because I was afraid I would fail.  But Saturday I was determined to create my space for Him again.  I had allowed my secretary desk space to become cluttered with papers from my kids, hair things, and piles of not-quite dirty clothes I might wear one more time before washing.  I am proud to say I did clear that space up.  I didn't make time to be with God and once again fit Him in just before bed.  My prayer is that I will determine to make time each day where I can be still before the Lord.  I know He is also committed to me and will lead me in making time in the best way.

I realized one of my fears that had delayed me from obeying God, was that I wasn't sure what part of my day to sacrifice for time with Him.  I was afraid whatever part of my day I cleared for Him would be the wrong part so I didn't clear any part. Foolish, yes.  I live and learn -often the hard way!