Real Faith, Real Relationship

Although "Real Faith" is a definition I am still discovering, being Real with God in my quiet time is proving more and more as a true relationship builder between us.  In my journal, I write my prayers to God.  Writing them helps keep my mind and heart focused on my prayer rather than the endless other things that easily distract me...trust me.  The easiest way to fall asleep is to begin praying silently in my head to God...if I don't fall asleep, I find myself suddenly at the end of some random bunny trail of thought wondering where my prayer went.

Even writing my prayers, it is easy to fall into doing "lip service" if my mind is distracted with other things or someone interrupting me.  It is a specific choice to purpose to be real at all times.  Sometimes that means telling God about how distracted I am.  Other times if my children interrupt, I may stop and return at a later time.  Once in a while my prayer is simply a sentence or two long because it is all that I have to offer in my tired brain.

Philippians 4 offers a great way of thinking and praying that I try to follow:

verses 6-9:  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -meditate on these things...and the God of peace will be with you."  NKJV

PS. "Supplication" means a Humble request.

Walk with Christ

I'm enjoying finding who I am in Christ...I often listen to our local radio station that plays "Worship and the Word" 24/7.  A pastor recently stated that if a Christian lives year to year without much noticeable change or growth -Satan has been successful in keeping you from seeking the Lord and growing in Him.

It's so true.  Our walk with God should be a way of life.  He shared that in the bible when the idea of a "walk" with Christ was how our faith should be...walking was the way of life.  When people traveled, they generally walked every where they went.  They didn't have cars or planes.  So our "walk" with Christ is truly our way of living with Christ.

I liked that thought. :0)

Healing brings freedom to share.

Losing my job hurt.  It still hurts to remember the way it happened.  Being director wasn’t ever my goal.  I remember feeling so honorable when I offered to take the role.  I believed that by putting in an application, I was putting my future in God’s hands.  I believed that if God wanted me there, He would allow them to hire me and then He would equip me.   After I was given the position, a smaller prayer I prayed was that I was willing to be director even if that meant I saw it fail…I truly believed it was the role God had called me to be in at that point in my life.  I never thought God would let me fail.  Was it a mistake to be in that role?  I hesitate to go that far, and I wonder what might have been if I had not offered to take the role.  Regardless, I have learned much along the way.

Becoming director was a huge change for me.  The weight of responsibility fell heavily on my shoulders.  As my previous director’s health had deteriorated, I had taken on most responsibilities of running the center, but when I stepped into the role…those tasks continued in addition to nonstop emails, phone calls and conversations.  It was overwhelming, but I was optimistic.  I had lofty goals and dreams for making the center the best it could possibly be.  Every experience seemed to be something I had never faced before.  It was the hardest job I had ever had, and even though it was incredibly difficult…I loved the challenges.  I loved the successes.  I analyzed the failures and learned ways to improve.  

Challenges became non-stop struggles.  I’d complete one challenge and another would fall in its place.  Then they began piling on top of each other.  I learned to prioritize and mentally compartmentalize them in order of importance or urgency.  In the beginning I felt like God was running things and I was just the physical presence He worked through.  Subtly the struggles became overwhelming.  I learned to rely on the Lord, not panicking when things looked to be failing, but waiting to see how He would provide.  He always did, even when it got so complicated and overwhelming just to survive the day.  

Along the way I lost heart.  I didn’t know how to handle the constant struggles.  I was inexperienced in so many ways, doing the best I could.  I didn’t understand what God was doing.  Somewhere depending on the Lord became flat out giving up.  I had no solutions, just the expectation that if God wanted the center to survive the day, He would make it work. 

It was a quick downward spiral the last six months.  My superiors became too busy in their own duties to provide any support and being the most experienced of my office team, I felt very much as though I bore the weight of responsibility alone.  In one area that I struggled, I asked my superiors for help.  Unfortunately the help I hoped for was discouragement and impossible expectations.  It reached a breaking point when I was unable to meet their expectations.  It truly was the perfect storm.   

During the specific situation that led to my decision to leave my job, I kept my supervisor informed and worked with him.  As the situation concluded, he in his own overworked mental-state yelled at me and made false accusations.  He completely forgot that I had kept him informed and even followed his advice in attempting to reach the desired outcome of the situation.  It was the second time he had yelled at me when things were stressful.  I wasn’t willing to continue to let myself be treated that way…no matter how stressed he was.

I requested that he speak to me calmly and with respect.  I told him that his yelling shut me down mentally and emotionally and if that was going to be his approach to me, I couldn’t stay.  He responded quickly, stating that I didn’t know what yelling was, he had only firmly stated his displeasure and if I ever did that again I would be looking for a job. 

His response to me was exactly what I needed.  After struggling for so long and losing myself in the struggle, God gave me clear confirmation that I was no longer walking in His will by being Director.  I wrote a letter of resignation and immediately began applying for jobs.  I did not see my supervisor the remainder of the week and did not submit my resignation yet, thinking perhaps it would be wisest to have another job in line before doing that. 

The following Monday, he called me into his office and informed me that they were making a change; that their philosophy and mine did not mesh.  He said I was a hard worker and he would provide a good reference for me.  He gave me three days to leave and a very small severance pay that stretched my accrued vacation time into a full month.

Even though I had planned to submit my resignation, being let go hurt deeply.  I felt like a failure.  I knew that the truth of my departure would not be fully known and that I would not be able to give the fond farewell I had hoped to clients and staff…especially the ones that I had developed good relationships with.  I completed what I could and passed on the work to my assistant director who would be left alone.  I said goodbye to some of the teachers, many were saddened and supportive of me.  I was thankful to have their encouragement and support.

I know God shut that door.  I know I needed the change.  The hurt is still healing and may always cause some sadness and discouragement.  God has provided a new position that promises growth and a chance to use my skills.  It also provides more time to be with my family.  

In many ways, being let go has been a blessing in disguise.  Instead of working the last month of summer, I was able to be home.  The time at home was very relaxing and a much needed time of healing for me.  As much as I was afraid to leave my old job, I don’t miss it at all.  It is a breath of fresh air to be free.  I feel like in the role of Director, I stepped away from my God-given gifts.  God gifted me in service and in administration.  I am excited to have the freedom to serve again.