We successfully survived Christmas I would say. An all clear from the CT Scan brought a sigh of relief, our oncologist appointment is next week. The big family Christmas get-together was on Christmas Eve. It was nice to get it done and we had a good day. Then we had our own little family celebration on Christmas day with eggs and bacon for breakfast followed by two days of hanging out in our pajamas.
It has been a good week off from work, although it hasn't been totally work-free. I think I have to be out of town for that to happen...maybe this summer. My hubby and I had a little spat early in the week about the one thing we always struggle with...housework. Somehow in our many years of marriage we have still to find a way to work together where we are both satisfied with the outcome. We had a great conversation and I had a good cry with him. We don't really fight...it's always more of a passive-aggressive behavior where one of us leaves a task for the other to do and they do the same...never works. We also have different priorities when it comes to housework. I hate dishes and laundry, dusting and filing papers. I love to clean while rearranging...it's the only time I truly dust. I know, that's gross, but true. He has his own ideas of what should be the priority for the time we spend and it isn't rearranging. :0)
Anyway, we got through the issues and have had a good vacation. I've spent much of it organizing the house and of course, rearranging -with my hubby's blessing! I read a blog written by a Christian woman who literally took all her children's toys away from them and stores what she kept in the attic, only allowing her children to use certain things at a time. I didn't take my kid's toys away, but I did use my Christmas money to buy bins for the built-in shelves in their closets. Now the majority of their toys are safe and out of reach. They can take down whatever they want to play with, but must clean it up before they start playing with anything else. Having their toys organized and out of reach helps to enforce this habit! I am very excited. Ideally, they will clean their rooms each night before bed, but that may be pushing it too far knowing how busy we get on school nights.
I've also re-claimed our master bedroom from the piles of laundry and other odds and ends that seem to wind up hiding out in our room. It looks like a real bedroom again! I was telling my husband that I wanted to create a place where I could read my bible and spend time with God, but wasn't sure how. He suggested we move my secretary desk to the bedroom and get an artist's desk for the basement. He also suggested we rearrange the basement to share the large desk we have so I can still have a place for my laptop. !!!!Yes, he does love me and know me!!!! The artist's desk was one of those "someday" dreams for me. Something I wanted to do, but never really thought possible in the here-and-now. I have my work cut out for me in sorting through my boxes of stuff in the basement to make room, but I am so excited to not only have a space to do my art again, but to also be so supported by my hubby!
Friday, December 27, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Two-Year CT Scan Day
In the midst of Christmas shopping, school events, work events, finishing my class, a graduation, 2 kid birthdays and trying to remember 2 other birthdays and some how we still have to fit in family pictures...we also will fit in a CT Scan (this morning) and follow up appointment with the oncology doctor (later this month).
How did life become so crazy? None of these things are much in my control to plan or change. They all have just happened. Well, pictures is my fault. I lost track of time in November when we usually do pictures.
We didn't get any news about the scan yet. It usually takes a day or two to see remarks in the online account about his health. We had our normal tradition of going with my hubby to his scan appointment and eating breakfast together afterwards. For the first time, my youngest's prayer changed to a true request rather than just stating her hopes and likes of the day. She prayed that God would not let Daddy get sick again. So sweet and sad that she was thinking along those lines. We didn't prompt it either.
I've been sensitive emotionally...maybe in part due to so much going on this month and having to get up so early this morning. Walking down the hospital halls to the Radiology clinic brought back so many memories and emotions. The nerves I had two years ago hoping the chemo had worked. The memory of my little one serenading the waiting room with "Swing Low, Sweet Cherry-ot" when she was two...accompanied by sadness that one of her cutest moments was in a hospital waiting room while her daddy fought cancer. There are memories of the numerous meals eaten at the hospital cafeteria. And memories of why we keep the breakfast tradition. When life is not guaranteed, you've got to make every event as positive and special as possible for your family.
We also ran into the Infusion scheduler and our favorite nurse who would administer the chemo drugs and joke around with us. Maybe all the memories made it too close for comfort. Maybe I'm still not done dealing with what we lived through...not done processing the emotions or the way life was lived then. It is very odd because I don't feel emotional except when those memories pop up. Then the emotion wells up and my eyes tear up and I feel the way I did so long ago.
How did life become so crazy? None of these things are much in my control to plan or change. They all have just happened. Well, pictures is my fault. I lost track of time in November when we usually do pictures.
We didn't get any news about the scan yet. It usually takes a day or two to see remarks in the online account about his health. We had our normal tradition of going with my hubby to his scan appointment and eating breakfast together afterwards. For the first time, my youngest's prayer changed to a true request rather than just stating her hopes and likes of the day. She prayed that God would not let Daddy get sick again. So sweet and sad that she was thinking along those lines. We didn't prompt it either.
I've been sensitive emotionally...maybe in part due to so much going on this month and having to get up so early this morning. Walking down the hospital halls to the Radiology clinic brought back so many memories and emotions. The nerves I had two years ago hoping the chemo had worked. The memory of my little one serenading the waiting room with "Swing Low, Sweet Cherry-ot" when she was two...accompanied by sadness that one of her cutest moments was in a hospital waiting room while her daddy fought cancer. There are memories of the numerous meals eaten at the hospital cafeteria. And memories of why we keep the breakfast tradition. When life is not guaranteed, you've got to make every event as positive and special as possible for your family.
We also ran into the Infusion scheduler and our favorite nurse who would administer the chemo drugs and joke around with us. Maybe all the memories made it too close for comfort. Maybe I'm still not done dealing with what we lived through...not done processing the emotions or the way life was lived then. It is very odd because I don't feel emotional except when those memories pop up. Then the emotion wells up and my eyes tear up and I feel the way I did so long ago.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Balance in Keeping Christ the Focus
I'm seeking to understand/find a balance between being too "religious" and just keeping God the focus of life. I do not want to be legalistic, something that I can easily fall into. I've witnessed that being too strict in religion pushes others away from Jesus, but I don't want to invite trouble either by being too lenient in exposing my children to the world.
My daughter loves a princess cartoon on television. The problem is that it has a sorcerer on the show with spells and gems with supernatural powers. On the other hand, it is a show that supports being kind and respectful to others. The protective mom inside me wants to put my kiddos in a bubble and protect them from the world. But I know that keeping them ignorant isn't good for them either. One day they will face the world on their own without me and they need to be prepared. So the questions are: How much do we allow them to be exposed to? How much do we allow them to participate in? How do we prepare them without stumbling them?
She had recently selected a book about the princess from her school book order form and expressed her disappointment when she didn't receive that book in her order. I had intentionally not ordered the book because it came with an amulet like the princess uses to speak to animals. I explained to her why that I didn't order the book because it was all about magic and if we rely on magic too much, we sometimes stop relying on God. I could tell it was a subject that she wasn't quite mature enough to understand and after talking it over with my hubby, we decided that instead of banning the princess character from our home, that we would allow certain things and be careful where it led. So, on our shopping trip I picked out two books with the princess character in them and allowed my daughter to choose one in place of the one she didn't get from her book order. She was so excited and it was a good story about friendship and didn't include any supernatural themes, so we both got what we wanted!
My daughter loves a princess cartoon on television. The problem is that it has a sorcerer on the show with spells and gems with supernatural powers. On the other hand, it is a show that supports being kind and respectful to others. The protective mom inside me wants to put my kiddos in a bubble and protect them from the world. But I know that keeping them ignorant isn't good for them either. One day they will face the world on their own without me and they need to be prepared. So the questions are: How much do we allow them to be exposed to? How much do we allow them to participate in? How do we prepare them without stumbling them?
She had recently selected a book about the princess from her school book order form and expressed her disappointment when she didn't receive that book in her order. I had intentionally not ordered the book because it came with an amulet like the princess uses to speak to animals. I explained to her why that I didn't order the book because it was all about magic and if we rely on magic too much, we sometimes stop relying on God. I could tell it was a subject that she wasn't quite mature enough to understand and after talking it over with my hubby, we decided that instead of banning the princess character from our home, that we would allow certain things and be careful where it led. So, on our shopping trip I picked out two books with the princess character in them and allowed my daughter to choose one in place of the one she didn't get from her book order. She was so excited and it was a good story about friendship and didn't include any supernatural themes, so we both got what we wanted!
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Lessons being Learned
I am still considering the things my 'charismatic' friend has been sharing. The part I struggle with is that he feels personally responsible if a prayer for healing doesn't take effect right away, he believes his faith is what is lacking. I believe God heals in present time and I believe that Believers have the power through the Holy Spirit to bring healing to others...I just don't have peace about it all being based on the 'strength' of one person's faith. God used illness and health-related trials many times in the bible as a way to bring glory to himself, and from personal experience I know how a trial through health struggles can strengthen a relationship with God. So I will continue to ponder these things until I sort them out in the Word between the Lord and myself.
One of the biggest changes I wanted to make as a new leader of my organization was to improve communication. That simple goal has become such a huge learning curve for me. Number one, I have always avoided communicating because I am not an eloquent speaker and I don't always think quickly. Number two, communication is directly related to creating and maintaining relationships with others...another area I have always avoided in life as a way of protecting myself. And so, here I am...solely responsible for a million dollar company's day-to-day management and I have never developed/maintained solid relationships before (aside from my husband). Boy, am I learning a lot!!!
I spent an entire 5 hours of my work day yesterday simply "communicating". I communicate to relay information about upcoming changes, to learn about the perspectives of others, to ask permissions, to give directions, and in helping my employees resolve conflict. In every decision I make, there are several parties to communicate in order to ensure things continue to flow smoothly. Sometimes I simply cannot keep up with the intricate thought processes to keep the communication going. I tell my assistant, "I don't have enough time in my day to think about all these issues, let alone communicate to every single person every time." I am learning that the majority of a leader's work is to make decisions, communicate those decisions, and then explain and address issues and questions that result from those decisions. Sometimes I miss the days of hiding away behind my desk buried in the paperwork I did as an assistant. Now I must delegate that joy to someone else so I can be the leader God has called me to be.
On the home front we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We've gone through a phase of fatigue and poor time management and now we are sticking to some better routines that helps the kids get their homework done earlier in the evening and allows more time to play and enjoy dinner together. Housework is still a work in progress, but after a day off I was able to make a huge dent in our main living areas and so far have kept it clean and less cluttered than before. My oldest has lost all of her front teeth leaving a 4-tooth gap on the top and a lisp when she talks. It was fun to witness because she had to re-learn how to drink liquids and eat her food without her teeth. :0)
One of the biggest changes I wanted to make as a new leader of my organization was to improve communication. That simple goal has become such a huge learning curve for me. Number one, I have always avoided communicating because I am not an eloquent speaker and I don't always think quickly. Number two, communication is directly related to creating and maintaining relationships with others...another area I have always avoided in life as a way of protecting myself. And so, here I am...solely responsible for a million dollar company's day-to-day management and I have never developed/maintained solid relationships before (aside from my husband). Boy, am I learning a lot!!!
I spent an entire 5 hours of my work day yesterday simply "communicating". I communicate to relay information about upcoming changes, to learn about the perspectives of others, to ask permissions, to give directions, and in helping my employees resolve conflict. In every decision I make, there are several parties to communicate in order to ensure things continue to flow smoothly. Sometimes I simply cannot keep up with the intricate thought processes to keep the communication going. I tell my assistant, "I don't have enough time in my day to think about all these issues, let alone communicate to every single person every time." I am learning that the majority of a leader's work is to make decisions, communicate those decisions, and then explain and address issues and questions that result from those decisions. Sometimes I miss the days of hiding away behind my desk buried in the paperwork I did as an assistant. Now I must delegate that joy to someone else so I can be the leader God has called me to be.
On the home front we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We've gone through a phase of fatigue and poor time management and now we are sticking to some better routines that helps the kids get their homework done earlier in the evening and allows more time to play and enjoy dinner together. Housework is still a work in progress, but after a day off I was able to make a huge dent in our main living areas and so far have kept it clean and less cluttered than before. My oldest has lost all of her front teeth leaving a 4-tooth gap on the top and a lisp when she talks. It was fun to witness because she had to re-learn how to drink liquids and eat her food without her teeth. :0)
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Stretching
This year I hired the first male in the history of our program (at least that anyone can remember). When he opens his mouth, the Lord just falls out over everything. He is very "charismatic". He thinks of himself as normal and doesn't want to be labeled, but understands many Christians don't have the same understandings he does. He's been encouraging me, prophesying about my life and praying healing for anyone who is willing. I don't discount his faith, but I'm not sure if I totally get it. I have never experienced faith like his and it is intriguing and unknown.
He tells me I will have a son. He tells me a change is coming in my life where God may move me out of the job I am in to something that will bring much more joy. Those things are unsettling to me. I don't spend my time worrying about them or wondering what it all means, but it is strange. I am willing if God does those things, but I don't know what to think about it to tell the truth. I pray that those ideas do not distract me from what God has me doing here and now.
The good part is that listening to where he gets his beliefs (all biblical), drive me into the Word also to see for myself what may or may not be God or a correct interpretation. He believes solidly that we are called to be like Jesus, to do what Jesus did and have faith like Jesus taught. He knows his new testament very well.
He tells me I will have a son. He tells me a change is coming in my life where God may move me out of the job I am in to something that will bring much more joy. Those things are unsettling to me. I don't spend my time worrying about them or wondering what it all means, but it is strange. I am willing if God does those things, but I don't know what to think about it to tell the truth. I pray that those ideas do not distract me from what God has me doing here and now.
The good part is that listening to where he gets his beliefs (all biblical), drive me into the Word also to see for myself what may or may not be God or a correct interpretation. He believes solidly that we are called to be like Jesus, to do what Jesus did and have faith like Jesus taught. He knows his new testament very well.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Finding a Way
Life continues to be a journey, it always will be. I was able to participate in a workshop for people new to my position and it was very inspiring and encouraging. I gained several good tips and ideas, and most of all a purpose. I'm now working on articulating my vision for my workplace. As leader, whatever succeeds, I play an important part in. Whatever fails, I play an important part in. My 'work church' as I call it, is focusing on spending more time in prayer lately and I think that is a good place to be.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Updates
Our 21 month cancer check up was this past month. All the blood work came back normal, physical side effects are reducing. His hands still swell with physical labor and times of stress, but the swelling he used to get with his feet and ankles doesn't occur as often or as bad as it used to. He still experiences fatigue, but life has been stressful lately too, so we aren't sure if it is just a side effect or other life issues. It was a happy day!
In other cancer news, my friend who has inspired and encouraged me when my hubby was going through chemo is not going to win her battle here on earth. I am sad for her to have to say goodbye to her son, to not get to see him grow up. I'm sad she is leaving and happy that she will soon have relief and pure joy with the Lord in Heaven.
Professionally I have ups and downs. I've had a very productive week, clearing many piles from my desk...I actually have a desk again! I feel more caught up and able to get things done than I ever have before as Director. I still face the self-doubt and the stress of dealing with the enormous responsibilities I have. I have been trying to have faith in the words, "If my God is for me, who can be against me?" (Psalm 119).
In other cancer news, my friend who has inspired and encouraged me when my hubby was going through chemo is not going to win her battle here on earth. I am sad for her to have to say goodbye to her son, to not get to see him grow up. I'm sad she is leaving and happy that she will soon have relief and pure joy with the Lord in Heaven.
Professionally I have ups and downs. I've had a very productive week, clearing many piles from my desk...I actually have a desk again! I feel more caught up and able to get things done than I ever have before as Director. I still face the self-doubt and the stress of dealing with the enormous responsibilities I have. I have been trying to have faith in the words, "If my God is for me, who can be against me?" (Psalm 119).
Friday, September 20, 2013
'Perfect' Blogging Mood
Life continues to be an overwhelming balance of survival and striving to get ahead...to improve with each roll of the waves that push backwards as life moves forward. This week was a challenging one. At work we had two nights of a first-time event. I would deem it successful, but also a learning process. I worked a good 50 hours this week and the mind-numbing exhaustion is pulling at me.
At home it was another challenge to keep up with the housework...well, we didn't keep up. My hubby's medication is on a nationwide shortage and his energy was an all time low since chemo. He'd come home from work and take a two hour nap. One night he fell asleep during dinner. Thankfully he was able to get his prescription today so I am hopeful for a relaxing and restful weekend.
Through it all I am again learning to continue to rely on my Lord. Seeking Him and trusting in His promises and faithfulness brings a comfort and a peace to the chaos of my life right now. I have the thought that I am still not as moldable as the Lord would prefer me to be in the ministry He has placed me. I am called to be where I am, doing what I'm doing. Of that I am confident. Letting go of the reigns of life to the Lord is something I have always struggled to do. I used to stubbornly clench them in my fists and refuse to let go. Now I find myself unconsciously playing with the reigns in my hands, not intentionally trying to steer my life, but unsure of how to live without a hand on the reigns, I don't quite know what it is to completely let go...and perhaps these struggles are teaching me how, little by little. Walking in faith is so much more difficult when you can't let go of yourself, your hurts, and your self-trust.
It was surprising to discover how deep wounds can go. I knew it stressed me to think of talking to the person who hurt me, but when I did, I just wasn't able to do more than formalities. The hurt was too strong to try to talk without showing it was difficult. This person wants to maintain our former friendship and I just don't know if it is possible. I don't think I harbor any anger or hard feelings. I just can't pretend everything is okay and there hasn't been a good opportunity to hash out what happened to see if the relationship can be repaired.
On the plus side, the Lord continues to show His faithfulness. Even though this struggle feels overwhelming, I am surrounded by great support and my children are happy and we are continuing to improve being WITH each other. My hubby and I are continuing to grow together as a couple and as parents. God is Good. ALL the time. No matter what.
At home it was another challenge to keep up with the housework...well, we didn't keep up. My hubby's medication is on a nationwide shortage and his energy was an all time low since chemo. He'd come home from work and take a two hour nap. One night he fell asleep during dinner. Thankfully he was able to get his prescription today so I am hopeful for a relaxing and restful weekend.
Through it all I am again learning to continue to rely on my Lord. Seeking Him and trusting in His promises and faithfulness brings a comfort and a peace to the chaos of my life right now. I have the thought that I am still not as moldable as the Lord would prefer me to be in the ministry He has placed me. I am called to be where I am, doing what I'm doing. Of that I am confident. Letting go of the reigns of life to the Lord is something I have always struggled to do. I used to stubbornly clench them in my fists and refuse to let go. Now I find myself unconsciously playing with the reigns in my hands, not intentionally trying to steer my life, but unsure of how to live without a hand on the reigns, I don't quite know what it is to completely let go...and perhaps these struggles are teaching me how, little by little. Walking in faith is so much more difficult when you can't let go of yourself, your hurts, and your self-trust.
It was surprising to discover how deep wounds can go. I knew it stressed me to think of talking to the person who hurt me, but when I did, I just wasn't able to do more than formalities. The hurt was too strong to try to talk without showing it was difficult. This person wants to maintain our former friendship and I just don't know if it is possible. I don't think I harbor any anger or hard feelings. I just can't pretend everything is okay and there hasn't been a good opportunity to hash out what happened to see if the relationship can be repaired.
On the plus side, the Lord continues to show His faithfulness. Even though this struggle feels overwhelming, I am surrounded by great support and my children are happy and we are continuing to improve being WITH each other. My hubby and I are continuing to grow together as a couple and as parents. God is Good. ALL the time. No matter what.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Spiritual High
Heavenly Father I give all of me to you. Move in my life and I will follow. Your humble servant, I earnestly seek you and wait on you. You are Almighty God and you and you alone know me, know my heart, and know my path. Encourage and uplift me. Enable me to be a light, to be a lamp shining your light. I praise you and I am filled with gratitude for your faithfulness, your understanding and your compassion. In your Son's name, Amen.
Here I am, barely a three weeks after I first learned of the pending changes in our administration at work. I have felt every type of emotion in this circumstance. It was obvious as events played out that this circumstance was orchestrated by God. I didn't understand what He was doing. I couldn't rationalize what had occurred to cause these events, but yet they were happening and it was somehow God's purpose and His will for me.
This process of saying goodbye...to a loved co-worker, to a way of doing things, and to whatever understanding I had of what God was doing...was difficult. There were feelings of betrayal, feelings of discouragement, self-doubt, helplessness, and overwhelming responsibilities to be sorted out. Knowing that God's hand was directing it all brought a measure of comfort and reminded me to "Let Go and Let God". I did let go, as much as I humanly could and I pray that He will enable me to grow stronger and better through this.
Today ends our first week as a duo in the office. It has been increasingly encouraging. We are able to handle much more with less stress than I originally thought we could. Yes, I'm still behind in work, yet considering what we've come through, we are doing quite well. The stress level has actually decreased.
On the home front, my prayers are changing perspective. I noticed that in my journals I often pray wearing hats. Specifically prayers as a mom and prayers as a working woman in authority. Now I am striving to pray as just me. A woman after God's own heart no matter what hat she is wearing. I want God to make me complete...as complete as I can be while still here on earth. It is nice to not be feeling that the waves of life are overtaking me any more. It's still a rough sea to navigate, but with the Lord's help I feel safe and secure in Him.
Here I am, barely a three weeks after I first learned of the pending changes in our administration at work. I have felt every type of emotion in this circumstance. It was obvious as events played out that this circumstance was orchestrated by God. I didn't understand what He was doing. I couldn't rationalize what had occurred to cause these events, but yet they were happening and it was somehow God's purpose and His will for me.
This process of saying goodbye...to a loved co-worker, to a way of doing things, and to whatever understanding I had of what God was doing...was difficult. There were feelings of betrayal, feelings of discouragement, self-doubt, helplessness, and overwhelming responsibilities to be sorted out. Knowing that God's hand was directing it all brought a measure of comfort and reminded me to "Let Go and Let God". I did let go, as much as I humanly could and I pray that He will enable me to grow stronger and better through this.
Today ends our first week as a duo in the office. It has been increasingly encouraging. We are able to handle much more with less stress than I originally thought we could. Yes, I'm still behind in work, yet considering what we've come through, we are doing quite well. The stress level has actually decreased.
On the home front, my prayers are changing perspective. I noticed that in my journals I often pray wearing hats. Specifically prayers as a mom and prayers as a working woman in authority. Now I am striving to pray as just me. A woman after God's own heart no matter what hat she is wearing. I want God to make me complete...as complete as I can be while still here on earth. It is nice to not be feeling that the waves of life are overtaking me any more. It's still a rough sea to navigate, but with the Lord's help I feel safe and secure in Him.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Therapy
Writing this blog can be therapeutic. I've been wanting to blog the last week, but haven't quite known what to write, just that my emotions were strong and not always easy to understand.
We had a guest preacher at church tonight. He spoke in the TV preacher characteristic way, lots of emphasis on words and carefully thought out points, a well written speech. Our normal pastor is much more easy flowing and allows the Holy Spirit to speak through him spontaneously and as a result sermons tend to be much more natural and real from the heart. Even though it was odd to listen to this sermon's sound and rhythm, the message was good.
It was about how the storms in our lives and how their purpose is to draw us closer to Christ. It was about how we are not spared from suffering, but that suffering in our lives is part of what helps us to grow and mature. When we are in a time of suffering, we need to be allowing it to draw us closer to the Lord rather than to crush our spirit.
I am definitely in a time of suffering, a storm of life so to speak. Being challenged, being broken, being stretched.
We had a guest preacher at church tonight. He spoke in the TV preacher characteristic way, lots of emphasis on words and carefully thought out points, a well written speech. Our normal pastor is much more easy flowing and allows the Holy Spirit to speak through him spontaneously and as a result sermons tend to be much more natural and real from the heart. Even though it was odd to listen to this sermon's sound and rhythm, the message was good.
It was about how the storms in our lives and how their purpose is to draw us closer to Christ. It was about how we are not spared from suffering, but that suffering in our lives is part of what helps us to grow and mature. When we are in a time of suffering, we need to be allowing it to draw us closer to the Lord rather than to crush our spirit.
I am definitely in a time of suffering, a storm of life so to speak. Being challenged, being broken, being stretched.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Topsy-Turvy Again
Got the shocker of my life on my first day back to work. One of my teammates in the office turned in her resignation. I'm going to miss her greatly and it is going to be a big adjustment in the roles the other two of us in the office play. For everything there is a season and our season of working together is done.
Her departure is demanding a restructure in how our administration is run. Both myself and my remaining teammate are increasing our workloads to compensate. Part of me is excited for the challenge. Another part of me is starting to feel overwhelmed. And part of me is concerned about our ability to keep up. And then the last part is the sadness and disappointment in the situation itself. I can't expect someone to be something they are not and obviously God is making some changes in His business.
This past year of being the boss and managing a million-dollar business has been such a rollercoaster. I wonder if things will ever reach a steadier pace. I questioned what I could have done better or different that would have helped the situation, but there isn't much and even the things I have thought of probably would not have made the difference. Her history at our place of work has unfortunately been entwined with drama and gossip from the staff. Perhaps this will calm some of that down. We've never been known to be gossipers and naysayers, but especially this last year things have been down a rough road.
I'm told that a change in leadership always brings about testing from the employees and atypical behavior as everyone learns what the change means for them. I've definitely seen it. I'm doing my best and for the most part I am at peace with my choices. I haven't done anything perfectly and there are areas I am working on.
Her departure is demanding a restructure in how our administration is run. Both myself and my remaining teammate are increasing our workloads to compensate. Part of me is excited for the challenge. Another part of me is starting to feel overwhelmed. And part of me is concerned about our ability to keep up. And then the last part is the sadness and disappointment in the situation itself. I can't expect someone to be something they are not and obviously God is making some changes in His business.
This past year of being the boss and managing a million-dollar business has been such a rollercoaster. I wonder if things will ever reach a steadier pace. I questioned what I could have done better or different that would have helped the situation, but there isn't much and even the things I have thought of probably would not have made the difference. Her history at our place of work has unfortunately been entwined with drama and gossip from the staff. Perhaps this will calm some of that down. We've never been known to be gossipers and naysayers, but especially this last year things have been down a rough road.
I'm told that a change in leadership always brings about testing from the employees and atypical behavior as everyone learns what the change means for them. I've definitely seen it. I'm doing my best and for the most part I am at peace with my choices. I haven't done anything perfectly and there are areas I am working on.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Vacation!
The last several days have been a short vacation for my family and I! There just happened to be a gap of 3 days where there was no summer camp and school didn't start yet so we all took the time off to just be a family. It was a real blessing!
We spent a lot of time together just being at home and made a few special trips out to see the sights of our city. Our family went bowling for the first time, played mini-golf for the first time, and made a visit to the local Dinosaur Exhibit. My kids and I also went on some nice evening walks to the park. Spending time together is the best.
I was also able to get quite a bit done around the house since putz-ing is my version of relaxing. I don't do "nothing" very well. I have to be doing something, even if that means sorting through clutter or rearranging a room. Half of my bedroom is clear and vacuumed, the living room is clean and vacuumed, and I rearranged our multipurpose room.
I finally got onto Pinterest after hearing people rave about it for the past several months. I don't really see why it is such a big draw to be honest. Yes, it has lots of neat things on it, but I'm too practical to waste my time dreaming. I "pin" recipes I want to try, ideas for improving the home that I may use in the future, ideas of activities and projects to do with the kids, and then organizing ideas that I have actually put into use and accomplished. The only catch is, there is a small cost involved with most of the organization ideas to purchase the supplies to get them done. Nothing that I don't mind spending money on and nothing is very expensive, but it can frustrate me to have to wait to implement a good idea. I don't like waiting when I have the time to do something, but can't become a spending freak to accomplish my goals. So I wait. Sometimes I also have to get my hubby's permission (or his help) and what I love may or may not be what he loves...most of the time he doesn't care either way as long as my changes don't effect his routine. :)
My work full-day meeting went well. There were those that moaned and groaned about the new changes, but they all understood the purpose behind it. God was there and the presentation my co-worker did on Exchange Life Ministries was pretty good. I think it helped make what it means to be a Christian more understandable.
We spent a lot of time together just being at home and made a few special trips out to see the sights of our city. Our family went bowling for the first time, played mini-golf for the first time, and made a visit to the local Dinosaur Exhibit. My kids and I also went on some nice evening walks to the park. Spending time together is the best.
I was also able to get quite a bit done around the house since putz-ing is my version of relaxing. I don't do "nothing" very well. I have to be doing something, even if that means sorting through clutter or rearranging a room. Half of my bedroom is clear and vacuumed, the living room is clean and vacuumed, and I rearranged our multipurpose room.
I finally got onto Pinterest after hearing people rave about it for the past several months. I don't really see why it is such a big draw to be honest. Yes, it has lots of neat things on it, but I'm too practical to waste my time dreaming. I "pin" recipes I want to try, ideas for improving the home that I may use in the future, ideas of activities and projects to do with the kids, and then organizing ideas that I have actually put into use and accomplished. The only catch is, there is a small cost involved with most of the organization ideas to purchase the supplies to get them done. Nothing that I don't mind spending money on and nothing is very expensive, but it can frustrate me to have to wait to implement a good idea. I don't like waiting when I have the time to do something, but can't become a spending freak to accomplish my goals. So I wait. Sometimes I also have to get my hubby's permission (or his help) and what I love may or may not be what he loves...most of the time he doesn't care either way as long as my changes don't effect his routine. :)
My work full-day meeting went well. There were those that moaned and groaned about the new changes, but they all understood the purpose behind it. God was there and the presentation my co-worker did on Exchange Life Ministries was pretty good. I think it helped make what it means to be a Christian more understandable.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Another Spiritual Test coming up!
This Friday is yet another full-day meeting at work. The last one of the year until next spring. I don't feel nearly as stressed in preparation for it since I have been preparing pretty much the last several weeks already, but there is still much to do. You can pray that not only does it go as God leads, but that I don't get stuck under oppression afterwards.
My workplace is about to undergo a very big change in how things are done. It's a relief to me that I am not the one causing the change, although I will be the one to usher it in. Our state regulations are changing and getting more strict. It will help our program quality increase, but will also force the staff to have to be more accountable and that might be uncomfortable for them.
My stress level is decreasing at the moment. Some of the changes that I had requested permission for from my superiors were granted and that helps to relieve the workload that was sitting on my shoulders! This first year in this job is just one huge adjustment after another in working to create a smooth-flowing administration and a better experience for both our staff and clients. I am doing a better job of turning off my phone/text/emails at night to focus on being present at home, and not taking work with me when I do take breaks at work. It has also helped that my administration team has been able to start sharing more of the work load. I rearranged the tasks and did my best to assign them to each person's strengths and divide the ones that have a higher difficulty level to be shared tasks. So far it seems to have eased everyone's stress levels and we are all busy accomplishing different tasks!
My workplace is about to undergo a very big change in how things are done. It's a relief to me that I am not the one causing the change, although I will be the one to usher it in. Our state regulations are changing and getting more strict. It will help our program quality increase, but will also force the staff to have to be more accountable and that might be uncomfortable for them.
My stress level is decreasing at the moment. Some of the changes that I had requested permission for from my superiors were granted and that helps to relieve the workload that was sitting on my shoulders! This first year in this job is just one huge adjustment after another in working to create a smooth-flowing administration and a better experience for both our staff and clients. I am doing a better job of turning off my phone/text/emails at night to focus on being present at home, and not taking work with me when I do take breaks at work. It has also helped that my administration team has been able to start sharing more of the work load. I rearranged the tasks and did my best to assign them to each person's strengths and divide the ones that have a higher difficulty level to be shared tasks. So far it seems to have eased everyone's stress levels and we are all busy accomplishing different tasks!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
On the Up and Up
Tonight's worship in church was just the intimacy with God that I needed. It was really refreshing and tonight is probably the first night in a few weeks where there hasn't been some form of depression lingering over me. I like what our Pastor preaches: worship isn't a time where you come to hear the music and let the worship team bring God to you; it is a time for you to come humbly before the Lord seeking Him!
My doctor's appointment went well. I tried a new doctor and I really like her a lot; very easy to talk to. They took some blood work and it turns out that I am physically fine, just overly stressed. It is very strange to think that because many times when I am feeling tired or my body feels nearly asleep (apparently symptoms of stress), I am not feeling stressed. But with the oppression/depression I've been struggling with and knowing the cause of how I feel, I am beginning to recognize it for what it is.
This last week was probably the worst. I have a stressful job. I'm a mom of young children. I'm new in my job position too. A good recipe for struggle. I have to learn how to take care of me. I was telling my husband that I never dreamed I would be the person who needed to seek medical attention for something like stress -after all, I handle stress pretty good, I'm a very strong person...why can't I handle it all? Then my husband gives me a spiritual slap up-side the head and says, "If you could handle it all, you wouldn't need to rely on God." Ouch. Needed to hear that one.
I also found a sentence in James 4:1 "...but endurance must do its complete work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing..."
That hit home for me. Endurance must do its complete work...apparently I'm not done yet. So, deeper into the Word and taking more time outs for myself are in the very near future!
My doctor's appointment went well. I tried a new doctor and I really like her a lot; very easy to talk to. They took some blood work and it turns out that I am physically fine, just overly stressed. It is very strange to think that because many times when I am feeling tired or my body feels nearly asleep (apparently symptoms of stress), I am not feeling stressed. But with the oppression/depression I've been struggling with and knowing the cause of how I feel, I am beginning to recognize it for what it is.
This last week was probably the worst. I have a stressful job. I'm a mom of young children. I'm new in my job position too. A good recipe for struggle. I have to learn how to take care of me. I was telling my husband that I never dreamed I would be the person who needed to seek medical attention for something like stress -after all, I handle stress pretty good, I'm a very strong person...why can't I handle it all? Then my husband gives me a spiritual slap up-side the head and says, "If you could handle it all, you wouldn't need to rely on God." Ouch. Needed to hear that one.
I also found a sentence in James 4:1 "...but endurance must do its complete work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing..."
That hit home for me. Endurance must do its complete work...apparently I'm not done yet. So, deeper into the Word and taking more time outs for myself are in the very near future!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Still Struggling
It has been over a month and the spiritual struggle continues. I'm beginning to delve a little deeper into the Word and while I have enjoyed this recent beginning, discouragement is still a constant companion it seems. I have ups and downs, but the joy isn't present right now. I am also still struggling with the physical fatigue. People tell me I look tired. I am. I made a doctor appointment for tomorrow. I don't know what to expect other than hopefully an informative conversation and probably some tests. There are times my body feels as if I just got up too quickly, but I haven't made any sudden movements. My guess is something about my diet (I don't eat enough fruits and veggies) is at least partially to blame. It could also be something on the spiritual side of things.
The child I have been working with has shown so much improvement and successfully been able to participate in normal activities. The boundaries I've put into place haven't healed the hurts, but they have motivated this child to make positive choices when it comes to behavior in the classroom. A step in the right direction. Hopefully when the school year starts, it will be a fresh start.
My husband is improving. We enjoyed a nice date night and actually stayed at a hoity-toity hotel for a night out...next time we'll hit a Best Western or something more practical. :0) There wasn't much to do that didn't cost an arm and a leg...no swimming pool and no continental breakfast. It was a very comfortable room and it was nice to not have to worry about the children or the dog for a night. We went to bed early and slept in too...very relaxing!
I have a really awesome study bible my parents got me a few years ago. It explains how to study the bible and I have read through part of that article and am getting into 1st Timothy right now. Timothy was a young leader, the two books are how to live the Christian life and I figure that is probably a good starting point for me to seek the Lord. He has been faithful and provided for me, He hasn't left me. I miss the joy, in my first few months of my new job I was constantly rejoicing in the ways He was working. He is still working and doing good things, but I feel less in tune with Him. God's word says to not grow weary in doing good...I'm afraid that is the path I am on. I am fighting the good fight and growing weary. Not weary of doing good, but weary of the constant barrage of struggles. Weary of people issues, weary of the responsibility on my shoulders, and physically weary. I'm praying for a full refreshing -ASAP!
The child I have been working with has shown so much improvement and successfully been able to participate in normal activities. The boundaries I've put into place haven't healed the hurts, but they have motivated this child to make positive choices when it comes to behavior in the classroom. A step in the right direction. Hopefully when the school year starts, it will be a fresh start.
My husband is improving. We enjoyed a nice date night and actually stayed at a hoity-toity hotel for a night out...next time we'll hit a Best Western or something more practical. :0) There wasn't much to do that didn't cost an arm and a leg...no swimming pool and no continental breakfast. It was a very comfortable room and it was nice to not have to worry about the children or the dog for a night. We went to bed early and slept in too...very relaxing!
I have a really awesome study bible my parents got me a few years ago. It explains how to study the bible and I have read through part of that article and am getting into 1st Timothy right now. Timothy was a young leader, the two books are how to live the Christian life and I figure that is probably a good starting point for me to seek the Lord. He has been faithful and provided for me, He hasn't left me. I miss the joy, in my first few months of my new job I was constantly rejoicing in the ways He was working. He is still working and doing good things, but I feel less in tune with Him. God's word says to not grow weary in doing good...I'm afraid that is the path I am on. I am fighting the good fight and growing weary. Not weary of doing good, but weary of the constant barrage of struggles. Weary of people issues, weary of the responsibility on my shoulders, and physically weary. I'm praying for a full refreshing -ASAP!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Update - life's challenges
Not sure where to start, but I feel like writing tonight. I am still struggling with fatigue and beginning to wonder if it is more than just stress and perhaps related to my eating habits or if I could be anemic...I'll wait to see if it improves when the stress decreases.
We got a new child at work recently who has lived through some serious abuse. I have spent more time and energy with this family than any other family in our program. I even considered telling the family that we weren't able to meet the needs this child required...but something tugs at my heart and tells me that if we can go the extra mile and break through the walls and the hurt this child has, perhaps he might have a chance at a decent future. I had to demand some strict boundaries and figure out how to keep one step ahead of the verbal expression that displays the severity of the hurt inside, but in the last week I have seen a huge improvement and I am very hopeful for the future! Please help me continue to pray for this child, for protection spiritually and for continued growth. Sometimes I feel as though I have bit off more than I can chew.
My hubby's job is changing with a title change and new boss. He's really excited about it, but struggling with the fact that his duties are increasing faster than they are giving away his old duties. He's also been going through a lot of back pain since the fourth of July where he spent the day traveling and sitting in a lawn chair. It's frustrating for both of us, but he is slowly improving. I've been stopping my own agenda more often to play with my children when they ask, it is hard, but so worth it!
Life is just so full and I don't know the answers. I feel like I'm just fumbling along hoping I have made good choices. My job does get in the way of time with my kids, they don't like it and neither do I...it is one of the downfalls of working in the same place they go to school. I can't always take breaks with them, even if I want to or planned to. I've been still struggling spiritually to find my way. The past two week's sermons were about being a leader and the different types of attacks that come along and ways to overcome. They are so close to what I am living right now, that while I enjoy the sermons, they can also be a little discouraging too.
We got a new child at work recently who has lived through some serious abuse. I have spent more time and energy with this family than any other family in our program. I even considered telling the family that we weren't able to meet the needs this child required...but something tugs at my heart and tells me that if we can go the extra mile and break through the walls and the hurt this child has, perhaps he might have a chance at a decent future. I had to demand some strict boundaries and figure out how to keep one step ahead of the verbal expression that displays the severity of the hurt inside, but in the last week I have seen a huge improvement and I am very hopeful for the future! Please help me continue to pray for this child, for protection spiritually and for continued growth. Sometimes I feel as though I have bit off more than I can chew.
My hubby's job is changing with a title change and new boss. He's really excited about it, but struggling with the fact that his duties are increasing faster than they are giving away his old duties. He's also been going through a lot of back pain since the fourth of July where he spent the day traveling and sitting in a lawn chair. It's frustrating for both of us, but he is slowly improving. I've been stopping my own agenda more often to play with my children when they ask, it is hard, but so worth it!
Life is just so full and I don't know the answers. I feel like I'm just fumbling along hoping I have made good choices. My job does get in the way of time with my kids, they don't like it and neither do I...it is one of the downfalls of working in the same place they go to school. I can't always take breaks with them, even if I want to or planned to. I've been still struggling spiritually to find my way. The past two week's sermons were about being a leader and the different types of attacks that come along and ways to overcome. They are so close to what I am living right now, that while I enjoy the sermons, they can also be a little discouraging too.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Tired struggle
Lately I have been tired. I think my body is still figuring out how to cope with changing shifts at work. I get up earlier, but I haven't adjusted my bedtime properly yet. I've also been more physically sore...getting a little older and out of shape muscles mainly.
Spiritually I feel like I'm going through some sort of change, but it is hard to figure it out. I recognized the normal oppression I get after a spiritual high -a few weeks ago was our staff in-service where God totally took it over. It was so awesome and now I'm dealing with the slump afterwards. I haven't figured out how to overcome it yet. I want to be on fire in seeking the Lord, but it is a struggle to keep with my normal bible reading time and prayer time. It almost feels as if there is a distance between me and God, even though I know that isn't a truth. Emotionally I have a lack of interest that I can't really explain and isn't based on anything I can put my finger on aside from simple spiritual attack.
Of course I am also writing at a time of the day when I'm more in tune to the melancholy side of myself, and not getting the rest I need is probably also a factor. (I'm up late tonight because I snuggled with my kids at their bedtime and fell asleep too.) Another vacation would be nice. Just to get away from the stresses of life. Nothing particularly stressful is going on aside from the stresses of my job...but even those are ones that come with the job.
I still feel so inadequate as a leader. I know God is using the fact that I am inexperienced to be able to work through me, but it isn't easy to try and figure out how to simply follow His will and let Him work. Everyday there are things that come up that just boggle my mind. People are my biggest stressors because that is the area I have always struggled with. I seem to be doing a good job as far as the business clients, but my staff is a whole different issue. I've been told that with any leadership change, there are problems that come up because the staff is learning where they fit in and what new boundaries are out there. We've had plenty of struggles with assumptions, selfishness and laziness, and bad attitudes. Through all of these little struggles, I am being stretched in my personality. It seems all of the areas that my personality is weak are the areas that I am having to navigate. It is hard to know the proper way to respond because they need to be held accountable and also corrected in a godly manner, and yet loved at the same time. It sounds similar to having children, but it really isn't. I know kids. Adults -that's a whole other story!
Spiritually I feel like I'm going through some sort of change, but it is hard to figure it out. I recognized the normal oppression I get after a spiritual high -a few weeks ago was our staff in-service where God totally took it over. It was so awesome and now I'm dealing with the slump afterwards. I haven't figured out how to overcome it yet. I want to be on fire in seeking the Lord, but it is a struggle to keep with my normal bible reading time and prayer time. It almost feels as if there is a distance between me and God, even though I know that isn't a truth. Emotionally I have a lack of interest that I can't really explain and isn't based on anything I can put my finger on aside from simple spiritual attack.
Of course I am also writing at a time of the day when I'm more in tune to the melancholy side of myself, and not getting the rest I need is probably also a factor. (I'm up late tonight because I snuggled with my kids at their bedtime and fell asleep too.) Another vacation would be nice. Just to get away from the stresses of life. Nothing particularly stressful is going on aside from the stresses of my job...but even those are ones that come with the job.
I still feel so inadequate as a leader. I know God is using the fact that I am inexperienced to be able to work through me, but it isn't easy to try and figure out how to simply follow His will and let Him work. Everyday there are things that come up that just boggle my mind. People are my biggest stressors because that is the area I have always struggled with. I seem to be doing a good job as far as the business clients, but my staff is a whole different issue. I've been told that with any leadership change, there are problems that come up because the staff is learning where they fit in and what new boundaries are out there. We've had plenty of struggles with assumptions, selfishness and laziness, and bad attitudes. Through all of these little struggles, I am being stretched in my personality. It seems all of the areas that my personality is weak are the areas that I am having to navigate. It is hard to know the proper way to respond because they need to be held accountable and also corrected in a godly manner, and yet loved at the same time. It sounds similar to having children, but it really isn't. I know kids. Adults -that's a whole other story!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Evening Ramblings
I recently changed shifts at work to the opening shift. This means I now get up before the sun. My oldest daughter blames me when she is tired/grouchy because I wake her up too early. Tonight I am tired enough to go to bed and sleep very well. I'm just avoiding it to finish listening to my pastor's most recent sermon. He has been gone a while, grieving the death of his son. It is good to hear him again, and to hear that his faith is just as strong, his gift of teaching the Word has not been hindered by his recent life experience.
The drama in my life seems to revolve around work. But there are things going on in the home front too, just not as stressful. My children are in swimming lessons on a weekly basis, and my husband and I are continuing to figure out how to work together and what our goals for our family are. When work is stressful it is hard to be present at home. When I am able to leave work on time and not work overtime, it is very nice. That is the perk of working the early shift! I come home well before supper time while it is still daytime and energy is still available.
A theatre camp is sharing the same building as my children's school. I got to go with them to see a dress rehearsal of the Sound of Music and later Alice in Wonderland. It was very well done and it is all done by children. My youngest is my performer and it was fun to watch the intensity on her face as she watched the play and took it all in. I could see that not only was she enjoying the story, but she was fascinated by the costumes, makeup, songs, and even the boy who played Captain Von Trapp...and we are no where near the teenage years yet!!! Oh, dear...I see the cuteness of this moment, but I also foresee a challenging future as a mother in this moment!
My oldest is having a better summer than last year. She has more peers her age this year and the teacher is much better at handling the cruelty children can throw around. I have been helping her capture creepy crawlies, although she has gone farther than I care to. She is catching moths and spiders in addition to the normal centipedes and roly poly bugs.
All in all, I am learning how to be WITH my family more. To be mentally present, physically present and to include them in my daily activities. My hubby and I are talking better and sharing on a more team level. My children and I are having more times together being ourselves. And I am praying to figure out how to stay close to the Lord and keep that relationship growing...thanks for reading. Have a wonderful night!
The drama in my life seems to revolve around work. But there are things going on in the home front too, just not as stressful. My children are in swimming lessons on a weekly basis, and my husband and I are continuing to figure out how to work together and what our goals for our family are. When work is stressful it is hard to be present at home. When I am able to leave work on time and not work overtime, it is very nice. That is the perk of working the early shift! I come home well before supper time while it is still daytime and energy is still available.
A theatre camp is sharing the same building as my children's school. I got to go with them to see a dress rehearsal of the Sound of Music and later Alice in Wonderland. It was very well done and it is all done by children. My youngest is my performer and it was fun to watch the intensity on her face as she watched the play and took it all in. I could see that not only was she enjoying the story, but she was fascinated by the costumes, makeup, songs, and even the boy who played Captain Von Trapp...and we are no where near the teenage years yet!!! Oh, dear...I see the cuteness of this moment, but I also foresee a challenging future as a mother in this moment!
My oldest is having a better summer than last year. She has more peers her age this year and the teacher is much better at handling the cruelty children can throw around. I have been helping her capture creepy crawlies, although she has gone farther than I care to. She is catching moths and spiders in addition to the normal centipedes and roly poly bugs.
All in all, I am learning how to be WITH my family more. To be mentally present, physically present and to include them in my daily activities. My hubby and I are talking better and sharing on a more team level. My children and I are having more times together being ourselves. And I am praying to figure out how to stay close to the Lord and keep that relationship growing...thanks for reading. Have a wonderful night!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
WITH...(update at the end)
God has been busy in my life and I can't always comprehend it all, I know He is working. It is incredibly complicated if I look at all the responsibilities and details in my life, and yet, wonderfully amazing when I look at how God is providing, teaching, and protecting.
As a woman after God's own heart: He is showing me that I need to be spending more time WITH Him, studying the Word, not just the daily readings that I do.
As a wife: He has been teaching me how to work WITH my husband and communicate better as we talk through our goals and dreams for our family, our home, and our future.
As a mom: He has been teaching me to spend time WITH my children, developing relationships and not just near them.
As a leader in a ministry that is also a business: He has been teaching me what I am not doing well and where to step up my efforts. One area is spending more time WITH my teachers, involved in their daily work and not just the work that piles on my desk.
As you can see, WITH is becoming a theme of growth in my life. I have always been content to be a follower. Content to be near others. Content to have just enough or almost enough. Content to be less than. It isn't always a good thing to be complacent and easy-going. I am learning to allow myself to be an assertive decision-maker, an active part of the events going on around me.
Update:
In my last post, I had just done the hardest thing I have ever done. While I felt God's perfect peace, it was hard to face the negativity and the petty comments. It was harder still not to know how it was received by my staff. Over the next two weeks, I began to see a bit of a change in attitudes and behaviors. When I walked through the building to talk to my staff, I noticed that many of them didn't know quite how to react to me anymore. Something had changed. It seemed a little bit better, but I wasn't sure. Last Friday was our full-day meeting. I had the normal business topics to discuss, but all I could think about was what God wanted me to bring for the devotion -the spiritual part of the day. It has become a habit that in preparing for those meetings I spend an increased amount of time in prayer and searching the Word of God for insight and guidance as to what topic to share with my staff. The night before our meeting I was again seeking the Lord to show me. He revealed that I didn't need to focus on just one topic, but if we used small groups to research a topic in each group, we could cover many of the important topics I was drawn to. I spend several hours reading the verses about 6 different character traits of living a godly life. At the meeting, I gave one topic and it's corresponding verses to each table. They were to look up and read the verses, discuss what they felt God was showing them in those verses and then present what they learned to the whole group. It was utterly amazing. I was simply a facilitator. I didn't preach. I didn't lecture. I let them speak and boy did God speak through them! Every point and every thing I would have lectured/preached about came out of their mouths and from their own hearts. I just sat back and listened.
And then the most amazing thing happened. At the final table's presentation, the speaker broke. God brought her to a place of brokenness. She shared her struggles and begged forgiveness for her failures. Most people probably had no clue what she was asking forgiveness for...but she did. God did. And that one person coming forth so humbly and so sincerely opened the door for the Holy Spirit to do an awesome work in the lives of each person there. After that others came forward to share what was on their hearts. Some shared wisdom, some shared frustrations with their coworkers. Some shared what God was doing in their lives through the ministry we work in. And when it was all over, it felt like we were given a breath of fresh air. The heaviness of the oppression we faced was gone. Our boss (my direct supervisor) came in to encourage and he really uplifted their spirits as well. God is good...that's all I can say.
As a woman after God's own heart: He is showing me that I need to be spending more time WITH Him, studying the Word, not just the daily readings that I do.
As a wife: He has been teaching me how to work WITH my husband and communicate better as we talk through our goals and dreams for our family, our home, and our future.
As a mom: He has been teaching me to spend time WITH my children, developing relationships and not just near them.
As a leader in a ministry that is also a business: He has been teaching me what I am not doing well and where to step up my efforts. One area is spending more time WITH my teachers, involved in their daily work and not just the work that piles on my desk.
As you can see, WITH is becoming a theme of growth in my life. I have always been content to be a follower. Content to be near others. Content to have just enough or almost enough. Content to be less than. It isn't always a good thing to be complacent and easy-going. I am learning to allow myself to be an assertive decision-maker, an active part of the events going on around me.
Update:
In my last post, I had just done the hardest thing I have ever done. While I felt God's perfect peace, it was hard to face the negativity and the petty comments. It was harder still not to know how it was received by my staff. Over the next two weeks, I began to see a bit of a change in attitudes and behaviors. When I walked through the building to talk to my staff, I noticed that many of them didn't know quite how to react to me anymore. Something had changed. It seemed a little bit better, but I wasn't sure. Last Friday was our full-day meeting. I had the normal business topics to discuss, but all I could think about was what God wanted me to bring for the devotion -the spiritual part of the day. It has become a habit that in preparing for those meetings I spend an increased amount of time in prayer and searching the Word of God for insight and guidance as to what topic to share with my staff. The night before our meeting I was again seeking the Lord to show me. He revealed that I didn't need to focus on just one topic, but if we used small groups to research a topic in each group, we could cover many of the important topics I was drawn to. I spend several hours reading the verses about 6 different character traits of living a godly life. At the meeting, I gave one topic and it's corresponding verses to each table. They were to look up and read the verses, discuss what they felt God was showing them in those verses and then present what they learned to the whole group. It was utterly amazing. I was simply a facilitator. I didn't preach. I didn't lecture. I let them speak and boy did God speak through them! Every point and every thing I would have lectured/preached about came out of their mouths and from their own hearts. I just sat back and listened.
And then the most amazing thing happened. At the final table's presentation, the speaker broke. God brought her to a place of brokenness. She shared her struggles and begged forgiveness for her failures. Most people probably had no clue what she was asking forgiveness for...but she did. God did. And that one person coming forth so humbly and so sincerely opened the door for the Holy Spirit to do an awesome work in the lives of each person there. After that others came forward to share what was on their hearts. Some shared wisdom, some shared frustrations with their coworkers. Some shared what God was doing in their lives through the ministry we work in. And when it was all over, it felt like we were given a breath of fresh air. The heaviness of the oppression we faced was gone. Our boss (my direct supervisor) came in to encourage and he really uplifted their spirits as well. God is good...that's all I can say.
Friday, May 31, 2013
PERFECT PEACE
I'm in that place of perfect peace -a place I believe could be a place called spiritual protection. I am neither happy nor sad and the stress I have been facing has no hold on me. God answers prayer so fully that I can only praise Him and be grateful.
The issues amongst my staff at work seemed to be falling into place in my last post and those particular ones have. God brought to light this past week or two that there is a deeper evil at work. A spirit of division and dissention was emerging. I have spent so much more time reading the Word and in prayer these last few days and tonight was our staff meeting.
I prayed, my team and I prayed together -banishing Satan and his minions and calling on the protection of the Lord, and praying that the Lord would speak through me. I know that in my own power I cannot effect the evil that was present in our ministry. I gave my staff the opportunity to anonymously write down and submit their concerns or difficulties. Then I took each concern (except for the ones specific to individuals) and publically addressed them in front of my staff right then and there. The room was silent. When I had addressed the final concern in the pile, our time was up and I thanked them for their honesty and released them to their personal lives.
I don't know how it was received. I don't know what the outcome will be. All I know is that I am in a place of peace and not stressed or fearful at all. I trust the Lord to provide and bring good from this in whatever way He knows to be best.
The issues amongst my staff at work seemed to be falling into place in my last post and those particular ones have. God brought to light this past week or two that there is a deeper evil at work. A spirit of division and dissention was emerging. I have spent so much more time reading the Word and in prayer these last few days and tonight was our staff meeting.
I prayed, my team and I prayed together -banishing Satan and his minions and calling on the protection of the Lord, and praying that the Lord would speak through me. I know that in my own power I cannot effect the evil that was present in our ministry. I gave my staff the opportunity to anonymously write down and submit their concerns or difficulties. Then I took each concern (except for the ones specific to individuals) and publically addressed them in front of my staff right then and there. The room was silent. When I had addressed the final concern in the pile, our time was up and I thanked them for their honesty and released them to their personal lives.
I don't know how it was received. I don't know what the outcome will be. All I know is that I am in a place of peace and not stressed or fearful at all. I trust the Lord to provide and bring good from this in whatever way He knows to be best.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Peace and TGIF!!!
The past few weeks have been full of ups and downs. My last posting was during a time of struggle in my job and in my personal life. Thankfully, my youngest's enlarged lymph node was caught in time and the super strong antibiotics have dramatically decreased its size to nearly back to normal.
A friend of mine lost her baby, my co-worker lost her daddy, my pastor's son is in a coma, and it felt like everywhere I turned was somebody struggling. My boss -I am so thankful for him!- noticed that I was struggling and has ordered me to take a few days off surrounding a weekend and to make sure that at least one night I send my kiddos to a babysitter to spend time with my hubby. Who has a boss like this?! I can only give glory to God for having such a godly supervisor and one who notices and cares about the truly important things. I am looking forward to my "vacation" and didn't realize how much it was needed.
Knowing that my boss ordered me to take time off because he didn't want me to burn out (rather than my job being in jeopardy like I first thought), really helped my mental outlook as I continued to deal with the ongoing issues at work and home.
At work, we were losing clients left and right. Not for bad reasons at all, but still, it really hurts our business. I had teachers who were struggling and places where their personalities were changing and just not the right fit any more and when I placed ads to hire more employees, the resumes came in very sparse. It seemed as if God was removing His blessing from our program and I wasn't sure why. Part of me wondered if it was the staff not being obedient. The other part of me asked God to show me if I played a role in it. He showed me a new perspective on some things and an area where I had made some choices that didn't please Him. It felt really good to understand those things and make them right by confessing the errors of those choices I had made and by seeing things in a more godly perspective.
Working through the struggles got a little easier with that revelation. And then in just the past 2-3 days, God has also worked out some amazing solutions to our staffing issues at work and the peace of knowing that piece is solved for the moment is so nice! The personality struggles and minor complications have all been re-worked and nearly everyone is now happy or eagerly awaiting things to take place. We are still praying that God brings us new clients, but in the meantime I haven't had to lay anyone off and I have been able (with God's help) to find solutions to making sure this slow-down in business doesn't hurt the program. Watching God work is so amazing!
A friend of mine lost her baby, my co-worker lost her daddy, my pastor's son is in a coma, and it felt like everywhere I turned was somebody struggling. My boss -I am so thankful for him!- noticed that I was struggling and has ordered me to take a few days off surrounding a weekend and to make sure that at least one night I send my kiddos to a babysitter to spend time with my hubby. Who has a boss like this?! I can only give glory to God for having such a godly supervisor and one who notices and cares about the truly important things. I am looking forward to my "vacation" and didn't realize how much it was needed.
Knowing that my boss ordered me to take time off because he didn't want me to burn out (rather than my job being in jeopardy like I first thought), really helped my mental outlook as I continued to deal with the ongoing issues at work and home.
At work, we were losing clients left and right. Not for bad reasons at all, but still, it really hurts our business. I had teachers who were struggling and places where their personalities were changing and just not the right fit any more and when I placed ads to hire more employees, the resumes came in very sparse. It seemed as if God was removing His blessing from our program and I wasn't sure why. Part of me wondered if it was the staff not being obedient. The other part of me asked God to show me if I played a role in it. He showed me a new perspective on some things and an area where I had made some choices that didn't please Him. It felt really good to understand those things and make them right by confessing the errors of those choices I had made and by seeing things in a more godly perspective.
Working through the struggles got a little easier with that revelation. And then in just the past 2-3 days, God has also worked out some amazing solutions to our staffing issues at work and the peace of knowing that piece is solved for the moment is so nice! The personality struggles and minor complications have all been re-worked and nearly everyone is now happy or eagerly awaiting things to take place. We are still praying that God brings us new clients, but in the meantime I haven't had to lay anyone off and I have been able (with God's help) to find solutions to making sure this slow-down in business doesn't hurt the program. Watching God work is so amazing!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I'm tired, I'm worn, my heart is heavy...
That's how I felt today, just completely burdened with the weight of responsibility that I bear. I don't want to give Satan too much credit, but it felt as if he was just hammering down on me the past few days, whether those around me weren't being obedient to God, or perhaps I had something unknown to me that was hindering me, I'm not sure.
I had a good cry, albeit a short one, in the office today. It helped a lot. Haven't had a good cry like that in a long time. There is just so many little things going on and going wrong that it gets overwhelming. I am thankful for my wonderful co-workers who buttered me up with chocolates and love.
My youngest is currently at the ER (hopefully on their way home soon) with her daddy while I am waiting to hear what happened. Just before we put her to bed she was complaining that her neck hurt and we noticed a large, hard mass where her lymph node is supposed to be under her jawbone. Of course, it brings up fears of cancer, but it is more likely an infection of some sort. We shall see.
Being up this late I am definitely tired. I am chaperoning a field trip tomorrow -that will be interesting...I think God did tell me not to commit to that one, or at least that it wasn't the wisest of decisions. I know -I make my own schedule and it is a busy one this week! Always learning as I go. I don't know that I will ever have it all figured out...nah, this world is too crazy for that to happen!
I had a good cry, albeit a short one, in the office today. It helped a lot. Haven't had a good cry like that in a long time. There is just so many little things going on and going wrong that it gets overwhelming. I am thankful for my wonderful co-workers who buttered me up with chocolates and love.
My youngest is currently at the ER (hopefully on their way home soon) with her daddy while I am waiting to hear what happened. Just before we put her to bed she was complaining that her neck hurt and we noticed a large, hard mass where her lymph node is supposed to be under her jawbone. Of course, it brings up fears of cancer, but it is more likely an infection of some sort. We shall see.
Being up this late I am definitely tired. I am chaperoning a field trip tomorrow -that will be interesting...I think God did tell me not to commit to that one, or at least that it wasn't the wisest of decisions. I know -I make my own schedule and it is a busy one this week! Always learning as I go. I don't know that I will ever have it all figured out...nah, this world is too crazy for that to happen!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Faith: In Reality
It seems my blogging self is back! It is late at night so I am, of course, more reflective and analyzing my thoughts. I don't quite know where to begin with all that is in my head at the moment.
I work closely with two very wonderful women. We are all different as can be, but yet the same in so many ways. I am the 'boss' and they are my support, my team. All of us are at different places in our spiritual journey and it amazes me the way we feed and support each other. We share a love and a closeness, friendship, that I have never shared before with other women. I cannot fathom how this happened to me...just by God's power I guess.
All my struggling to remain in God's will and not allow myself to stray away the past several years, I suppose that can be called walking in faith. Faith In Reality. I am seeing a culmination of events and growth in my life, things that have come into place in ways I could never have imagined. This is most definitely not the end of my spiritual journey with Christ, but it seems to be a new level. A new depth and something so much more than just myself. Maybe I am growing out of the beginner Christian stage of development where things were about me and God, to a place where it becomes more of a place about God and me and the surroundings He has placed me in.
This is neat. This is new. A little awesome to consider. Where are you taking me, Lord?
I work closely with two very wonderful women. We are all different as can be, but yet the same in so many ways. I am the 'boss' and they are my support, my team. All of us are at different places in our spiritual journey and it amazes me the way we feed and support each other. We share a love and a closeness, friendship, that I have never shared before with other women. I cannot fathom how this happened to me...just by God's power I guess.
All my struggling to remain in God's will and not allow myself to stray away the past several years, I suppose that can be called walking in faith. Faith In Reality. I am seeing a culmination of events and growth in my life, things that have come into place in ways I could never have imagined. This is most definitely not the end of my spiritual journey with Christ, but it seems to be a new level. A new depth and something so much more than just myself. Maybe I am growing out of the beginner Christian stage of development where things were about me and God, to a place where it becomes more of a place about God and me and the surroundings He has placed me in.
This is neat. This is new. A little awesome to consider. Where are you taking me, Lord?
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Bummer Deals
Today has come with lots of sad news. The baby of a friend of mine who has been in the hospital since birth has just been diagnosed with some severe defects in her lungs and airway. The next step is a trach while the doctors decide just how to proceed. The trach may or may not be a permanent fixture. :( This news comes about a week after they thought she was on the road to going home with mom and dad.
Then my friend who lost a leg to cancer, has finished a several-month-long chemo treatment for a side-effect of the cancer she beat, is currently in the hospital due to low platelet counts and fever. It is scary because when she first learned of the side-effect issue, they told her she may only have 5 years to live and I desperately want to see God use the light she shares much longer than that. She has a 13yr old son also.
And on the home front, my honey finally looked up his last test results for his hormone levels. He was feeling so good on the injections, he delayed taking them to see if his body might be making more hormones on its own. He dreams of one day getting off the injections. The results showed the lowest levels he has ever tested. Those dreams are dashed to the ground. Unless God chooses to heal this, bi-monthly injections are a forever part of his life. This news is not surprising, nor shocking, but to face that reality isn't fun.
I know God is at work. I know I am being tested. By the grace of God I survived a full on spiritual attack at work in the form of a very angry client yesterday and now it seems there is an emotional thing happening today. Yesterday I rejoiced regardless of the attack because it was so amazing to see God working in my job and the lives of those around me. The emotional attack is a little different. It takes me into a quiet place inside myself where I look to the Lord to help me find the truth of the situation despite how I might feel about it...
Then my friend who lost a leg to cancer, has finished a several-month-long chemo treatment for a side-effect of the cancer she beat, is currently in the hospital due to low platelet counts and fever. It is scary because when she first learned of the side-effect issue, they told her she may only have 5 years to live and I desperately want to see God use the light she shares much longer than that. She has a 13yr old son also.
And on the home front, my honey finally looked up his last test results for his hormone levels. He was feeling so good on the injections, he delayed taking them to see if his body might be making more hormones on its own. He dreams of one day getting off the injections. The results showed the lowest levels he has ever tested. Those dreams are dashed to the ground. Unless God chooses to heal this, bi-monthly injections are a forever part of his life. This news is not surprising, nor shocking, but to face that reality isn't fun.
I know God is at work. I know I am being tested. By the grace of God I survived a full on spiritual attack at work in the form of a very angry client yesterday and now it seems there is an emotional thing happening today. Yesterday I rejoiced regardless of the attack because it was so amazing to see God working in my job and the lives of those around me. The emotional attack is a little different. It takes me into a quiet place inside myself where I look to the Lord to help me find the truth of the situation despite how I might feel about it...
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Awesome God
It never ceases to amaze me, the ways God works in my life. Ways I never dared ask or hardly dream. I was looking to hire a simple clerical person to help with data entry part time. Did God send me someone? You betcha!!!
He sent someone who can not only take on those minor time-consuming tasks, but someone who can do so much more! He sent me a confidant, someone with experience who I can look to for ideas, guidance, and affirmation. He knows my needs and dreams so much better than I do, it is unreal.
God is doing something, I don't know what, but I can't wait to find out!
He sent someone who can not only take on those minor time-consuming tasks, but someone who can do so much more! He sent me a confidant, someone with experience who I can look to for ideas, guidance, and affirmation. He knows my needs and dreams so much better than I do, it is unreal.
God is doing something, I don't know what, but I can't wait to find out!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Not by strength, nor by power
I'm finding that staying close to the Lord is the only way I can survive the responsibilities I have been given. When my quiet times with God get neglected, that is when work seems overwhelming and I am more absent with my family at home. When I am honest and upfront with God and strive to develop that relationship, then I seem to fly on unseen wings of grace through even the toughest situations and when I am home, I am much more present and able to forget about the stresses of the day. I don't know what I would do if I were attempting to wear all these hats in my own power.
Zechariah 4:6 "...Not by strength or by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD..."
Zechariah 4:6 "...Not by strength or by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD..."
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Boundaries
My job can be overwhelming. Suddenly I am a leader. I make decisions all day, every day. I lack experience and although I'm learning as I go, I truly long for someone who could give me guidance, someone with experience to bounce ideas off of.
I just pray that the Lord will show me what to do. Teach me what I need to know, to give me discernment and courage to uphold my boundaries and be brutally honest and direct if I have to be to maintain my boundaries.
Leading is so complicated. I can't say I'd ever choose this position on my own. Life will never be easy I'm afraid.
I just pray that the Lord will show me what to do. Teach me what I need to know, to give me discernment and courage to uphold my boundaries and be brutally honest and direct if I have to be to maintain my boundaries.
Leading is so complicated. I can't say I'd ever choose this position on my own. Life will never be easy I'm afraid.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Always Learning
This past month has been a whirlwind of activity. Being a leader -or rather, becoming a leader -is such a growing process. I am constantly facing challenges that I have never faced before. My plate is full and overflowing with the many tasks that I am responsible for. There is literally not enough time in the day to accomplish it all. Decisions that must be made in split second reactions, choosing my words, which tasks to prioritize and give attention to and which to save for another day. I can have a terrible draining day and an encouraging exciting day all in the same day just depending on the events that occur. I have clients who I must answer to, not only concerning the care provided to their children or the way that the business is run, but also answers to how to be better parents and to increase their understanding of their children. I have teachers who look to me for guidance, direction, techniques and answers in challenging children, running their classrooms, working together and with parents. I have superiors in the financial realm, in the overall operations, in the medical field, in the state government rules and regulations, etc. etc. etc. The list never ends...or at least I don't want to know how long it could go!
And somehow, in all the chaos, all the personal insecurities I face, God has remained faithful and steadfast. I can honestly report that I am living proof that God equips and provides. That God uses the foolish and the weak to accomplish His glory. I simply can't take credit for the ways things have worked out. I take credit for my failures, for the many mistakes and learning curves I am living. I have seen the Lord work out so many seemingly destructive situations into blessings and growth for the company, for my staff, clients, and myself. God is good. Period.
And somehow, in all the chaos, all the personal insecurities I face, God has remained faithful and steadfast. I can honestly report that I am living proof that God equips and provides. That God uses the foolish and the weak to accomplish His glory. I simply can't take credit for the ways things have worked out. I take credit for my failures, for the many mistakes and learning curves I am living. I have seen the Lord work out so many seemingly destructive situations into blessings and growth for the company, for my staff, clients, and myself. God is good. Period.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Reflecting on Cancer
My hubby's port removal went very well. It is mostly healed now and he is relieved to have the weight of caring for his port removed. Having it gone is changing my perspective. It helps me take a little step away from the mental stress of cancer. I can now hug my husband without feeling the pressure of the port on my cheek. Now I only feel the comfort and strength of his arms. It's the little things, always the little things that make the difference.
With the new year I have to learn a new way of speaking about our experience with cancer. It's no longer last year, it is now "two years ago..." Another small thing, but the more often I say those words, the easier it is to imagine myself saying, "three years ago, four years ago..." Is it truly possible that one day cancer will be just a distant memory of the past? Lord willing, I hope so!
Unfortunately cancer isn't far away. My friend is again facing a possible recurrance and waiting on her test results. Two managers I know are praying for someone close to them: one has an employee who is facing potential breast cancer and another has a loved one with an inoperable tumor. Having gone through it, I have a better sensitivity and compassion for those who are living with this word in their daily lives. God is definitely using the lessons he taught me to be an encouragement for others and it also seems to help me remain humble because I know just how quickly life can change. There is no cocky illusion that somehow I am protected from pain or sickness. I am much more grateful for the blessings God has given me.
With the new year I have to learn a new way of speaking about our experience with cancer. It's no longer last year, it is now "two years ago..." Another small thing, but the more often I say those words, the easier it is to imagine myself saying, "three years ago, four years ago..." Is it truly possible that one day cancer will be just a distant memory of the past? Lord willing, I hope so!
Unfortunately cancer isn't far away. My friend is again facing a possible recurrance and waiting on her test results. Two managers I know are praying for someone close to them: one has an employee who is facing potential breast cancer and another has a loved one with an inoperable tumor. Having gone through it, I have a better sensitivity and compassion for those who are living with this word in their daily lives. God is definitely using the lessons he taught me to be an encouragement for others and it also seems to help me remain humble because I know just how quickly life can change. There is no cocky illusion that somehow I am protected from pain or sickness. I am much more grateful for the blessings God has given me.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
New Surgery
Tomorrow my hubby has an extremely minor surgery to remove the port that has been his support throughout the many blood draws, infusions, and IV medications. It is so minor that his surgeon is going to do it in clinic. This is really good news in the perspective of how well remission has gone since chemo.
Moving past the time for concern in the medical world of recurring cancer is pretty neat, if not a little surreal. This week marks the two year anniversary that the lump was found that started our journey. It's a little hard to fathom that it has been that long. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I can remember so much of the emotions of that year, many of them still a little raw below the surface. It is still hard for my husband to talk about his perspective of living with cancer.
I'm glad for the news that the doctor's think we won't need the port anymore. Yet as I write this I hesitate to be happy about it. I still worry about troubles with doing the blood work in the future, and I don't know if I will ever fully trust that the cancer is gone for good. I trust it is gone for now. I wonder if other cancer survivors feel the same way.
Moving past the time for concern in the medical world of recurring cancer is pretty neat, if not a little surreal. This week marks the two year anniversary that the lump was found that started our journey. It's a little hard to fathom that it has been that long. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I can remember so much of the emotions of that year, many of them still a little raw below the surface. It is still hard for my husband to talk about his perspective of living with cancer.
I'm glad for the news that the doctor's think we won't need the port anymore. Yet as I write this I hesitate to be happy about it. I still worry about troubles with doing the blood work in the future, and I don't know if I will ever fully trust that the cancer is gone for good. I trust it is gone for now. I wonder if other cancer survivors feel the same way.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Growing
My second week in my new position was a definite week of blessings. I learned lessons and the Lord helped me to let go of the little failures and focus on the growth of each day.
Learning to be a leader and the big decision-maker is such a challenge. I know there was a concern with my ability to be strong in this role and I understand it. But to be responsible for a business, employees, and clients, I cannot be a leader if I cannot do the hard things along with the fun. If a leader runs away from the hard parts, that leader fails the business, the employees and the clients.
For me, the difficulty isn't in making the difficult decisions, it is having to communicate that decision for the party that gets the bad news. My heart is to deliver these messages in a godly, loving, and professional manner that is clear and concise. I'm not always successful, definitely I will be learning through each circumstance that comes my way. I am excited that I am learning and I can make mistakes and learn from them and use those lessons to have positive experiences in the next situation that comes along.
The other thing I am finding is that God has enabled me to have more of a blance between the role of leader at work and wife/mother at home. They are two completely different arenas and it really helps me to have a bigger separation. At home I am the support, the helper, not the decision-maker. It is almost a relief to come home and not have the weight of that responsibility on my shoulders. I am enjoying life more. God is good.
Learning to be a leader and the big decision-maker is such a challenge. I know there was a concern with my ability to be strong in this role and I understand it. But to be responsible for a business, employees, and clients, I cannot be a leader if I cannot do the hard things along with the fun. If a leader runs away from the hard parts, that leader fails the business, the employees and the clients.
For me, the difficulty isn't in making the difficult decisions, it is having to communicate that decision for the party that gets the bad news. My heart is to deliver these messages in a godly, loving, and professional manner that is clear and concise. I'm not always successful, definitely I will be learning through each circumstance that comes my way. I am excited that I am learning and I can make mistakes and learn from them and use those lessons to have positive experiences in the next situation that comes along.
The other thing I am finding is that God has enabled me to have more of a blance between the role of leader at work and wife/mother at home. They are two completely different arenas and it really helps me to have a bigger separation. At home I am the support, the helper, not the decision-maker. It is almost a relief to come home and not have the weight of that responsibility on my shoulders. I am enjoying life more. God is good.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Spiritual Growth: Here and Now
I officially started my new job this week. After months of being in limbo and weeks of being half moved between offices, today was the first day that I felt settled. The moving isn't complete, but I have what I need to do the daily tasks.
Spiritually after such a high in my last post, I am going through a bit of a struggle. Our pastor suggested a fasting period to start out the new year, not necessarily a food fast, but a fast of giving up something to spend time with the Lord on a regular basis. I chose to fast from something that I knew would be hard to do and I have to admit I haven't been very successful. The Lord has definitely been convicting my heart and showing me where I need to step it up in my committment to Him. I haven't decreased my normal time with Him, but I feel Him telling me that our relationship cannot reach the next level if I am not willing to surrender and commit to Him in the harder things.
I know that the act of surrender and self-sacrifice for the Lord may seem like I am de-valuing/ sacrificing myself...in a way it is. What kind of relationship lasts if one person isn't willing to sacrifice part of themselves for the other? I know I am in need of continued growth. In fact, I long for continued maturity and a closer relationship with the Lord. I long to live continually in His presence and to live in His embrace. My flesh resists this and tries to convince me that it isn't worth the reward, even though I know otherwise. My prayer is that the Lord will keep my perspective in check, that I will not take advantage of Him or devalue Him. What a travesty that would be! Who am I to say that a few moments of my time are greater than giving a few moments to Him? How dare I even think such a thing? I have done such a thing. And I regret it. I know I have missed greater things for a few moments of selfishness.
The positive in this is that the Lord doesn't keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13). He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. We can trust Him to forgive and continue to love us and to be absolutely thrilled in the moments we choose to spend with Him going forward. He isn't standing there saying, "Just think of what you have missed or where you could be if you..." He is standing there rejoicing in the choice that we have made to spend time with Him here and now.
Spiritually after such a high in my last post, I am going through a bit of a struggle. Our pastor suggested a fasting period to start out the new year, not necessarily a food fast, but a fast of giving up something to spend time with the Lord on a regular basis. I chose to fast from something that I knew would be hard to do and I have to admit I haven't been very successful. The Lord has definitely been convicting my heart and showing me where I need to step it up in my committment to Him. I haven't decreased my normal time with Him, but I feel Him telling me that our relationship cannot reach the next level if I am not willing to surrender and commit to Him in the harder things.
I know that the act of surrender and self-sacrifice for the Lord may seem like I am de-valuing/ sacrificing myself...in a way it is. What kind of relationship lasts if one person isn't willing to sacrifice part of themselves for the other? I know I am in need of continued growth. In fact, I long for continued maturity and a closer relationship with the Lord. I long to live continually in His presence and to live in His embrace. My flesh resists this and tries to convince me that it isn't worth the reward, even though I know otherwise. My prayer is that the Lord will keep my perspective in check, that I will not take advantage of Him or devalue Him. What a travesty that would be! Who am I to say that a few moments of my time are greater than giving a few moments to Him? How dare I even think such a thing? I have done such a thing. And I regret it. I know I have missed greater things for a few moments of selfishness.
The positive in this is that the Lord doesn't keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13). He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. We can trust Him to forgive and continue to love us and to be absolutely thrilled in the moments we choose to spend with Him going forward. He isn't standing there saying, "Just think of what you have missed or where you could be if you..." He is standing there rejoicing in the choice that we have made to spend time with Him here and now.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Faithful with little
Another month has gone by and a new year is begun. Time slips away it seems, but not without impact. Professionally, I continued to face challenges this past month during my interim 'interview', but by the grace of God, He has carried me through. Almost literally. Sometimes I feel totally disconnected from the events of daily life at work. I am using my giftings and following His lead. The outcome of events can only be from the Lord. It feels nearly too good to be true, but I know that I am resting in His arms and following His will. I only pray my human nature doesn't fail Him.
The week before Christmas I was presented with a job offer for the position I have interimed. It required a lot of thought and prayer. Both my husband and I spent a lot of time discussing what was best for our family. In the end, we came to the conclusion that I could not accept the position as offered. I stressed over this because I have such a strong committment to my staff and our clients. I truly felt the Lord had called me to that position, but at the same time I knew He had not called me to that particular offer. It was incredibly scary, but once I realized that I needed to accept the possibility that the job might not be mine and to trust in the Lord over the outcome, I was able to confidently maintain the position my husband and I had decided upon.
Never have I been so nervous. I had peace that the Lord would work through whatever would happen, but I wanted badly to be able to maintain my integrity and present my position in a professional manner as I negotiated different terms. As always (with prayer of others and faith) the Lord came through and allowed the talk with my superior to go well and I was able to accept the position on acceptable terms for both parties. I have now become responsible for an entire business...
Even as I write those words, I cannot fathom what they mean. The responsibility of my new position is overwhelming. Not overwhelming in a stressful way, but I can barely comprehend what it means. I'm not sure I am capable of comprehending it all. My life is about to change in a radical way. Is it a good change for me and my family? Will my career overwhelm my role as wife and mother? To be honest, I can answer the second question easily. My father may claim this is a 'theological' answer, but it is fact:
If I remain focused on the Lord, He will equip me to be the woman He has called me to be in all areas, professionally and personally. It isn't my job to figure out how. It is my job to simply remain humble and seek Christ first above all things. It is His job to equip me and lead me. I pray that I will remain faithful to Him.
Matthew 25:21
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness."
Faithful with a few things by the grace of God. By the grace of God, may I be faithful with many.
The week before Christmas I was presented with a job offer for the position I have interimed. It required a lot of thought and prayer. Both my husband and I spent a lot of time discussing what was best for our family. In the end, we came to the conclusion that I could not accept the position as offered. I stressed over this because I have such a strong committment to my staff and our clients. I truly felt the Lord had called me to that position, but at the same time I knew He had not called me to that particular offer. It was incredibly scary, but once I realized that I needed to accept the possibility that the job might not be mine and to trust in the Lord over the outcome, I was able to confidently maintain the position my husband and I had decided upon.
Never have I been so nervous. I had peace that the Lord would work through whatever would happen, but I wanted badly to be able to maintain my integrity and present my position in a professional manner as I negotiated different terms. As always (with prayer of others and faith) the Lord came through and allowed the talk with my superior to go well and I was able to accept the position on acceptable terms for both parties. I have now become responsible for an entire business...
Even as I write those words, I cannot fathom what they mean. The responsibility of my new position is overwhelming. Not overwhelming in a stressful way, but I can barely comprehend what it means. I'm not sure I am capable of comprehending it all. My life is about to change in a radical way. Is it a good change for me and my family? Will my career overwhelm my role as wife and mother? To be honest, I can answer the second question easily. My father may claim this is a 'theological' answer, but it is fact:
If I remain focused on the Lord, He will equip me to be the woman He has called me to be in all areas, professionally and personally. It isn't my job to figure out how. It is my job to simply remain humble and seek Christ first above all things. It is His job to equip me and lead me. I pray that I will remain faithful to Him.
Matthew 25:21
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness."
Faithful with a few things by the grace of God. By the grace of God, may I be faithful with many.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)