Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Mawwaige and wuv. Twoo wuv.

My hubby recently asked me what the biggest lesson I have learned over the course of our nearly 17 year marriage.  His answer was much funnier than mine and more to be silly like the goof he is. :0)

Marrying before we were legally allowed to drink alcohol, and having been together for closer to 20 years now, we have been through a lot.  Aside from putting God first, the biggest lesson I've learned is that marriage is not about me.  Marriage is about us...you and your spouse as one unified couple.

What I mean is that marriage requires a certain sacrifice of self.  Life does not revolve around your singular desires and goals.  Marriage takes teamwork.  Marriage takes compromise.  When making decisions, the thought isn't "what do I want?"  The thought is "what is best for us?"  What decision has the best outcome for us as a married couple?  What is best for our family?  What decision matches our goals and needs?

Marriage truly does mean to become one with your spouse.  Not just in a spiritual way, although that is key.  It is letting go of selfishness for the one you love.  The one you have chosen to love for life.  Marriage is a choice.  Love is a choice.  Commitment to each other is a choice and requires thoughtful care and relentless effort.  Happily ever after doesn't happen by itself.

There are many trials and difficulties throughout a marriage no matter who you are.  Sin, selfishness, differing perspectives/beliefs and unmet expectations will happen.  How you deal with those issues directly effects your marriage relationship. 

Trusting God and seeking Him individually is how I have moved past many rough patches in our marriage.  There are times when it seems we are at an impasse, or feelings have been deeply hurt and anger abounds.  At those times, it is easy to think about quitting and not trying anymore - but that is only the world's way of dealing with struggle.  Not God's way. 

For my husband and I, we agreed in the beginning that divorce was not an option.  It isn't even a word in our vocabulary or a word I allow myself to even think when we are dealing with relationship challenges.  (As a minor disclaimer, I'm not talking about abusive behavior in a marriage.  That is an entirely different set of difficulties I do not feel qualified to address.)  There are times when you don't feel "in love" anymore.  There are times when your spouse fails you and it hurts.  There are times when you fail your spouse and hurt them.  Choosing to love.  Acting out of love.  Learning to forgive.  Communicating with your spouse, praying, and looking to God for wisdom and guidance are so important!

There are also times of personal struggle, when it is tempting to withdraw and cope alone.  Nothing in marriage is ever accomplished alone.  Yes, there is a place where you must individually cope between you and the Lord with struggles.  Remember, there is more than just you in a marriage.  When challenges arise (such as cancer in our life), you must also learn to cope together.  Share your hurts and fears.  Be vulnerable with each other.  Support and care for each other.  How you cope as a couple directly effects the outcome of any struggle.  Grow together through difficulty.

Being married and loving my husband for this many years, our relationship has deepened into something that my starry-eyed romantic teenage self could never have comprehended.  We are older, a bit more wiser.  We are not the same people we were when we started our life together.  Our bodies are no longer youthful.  Our love is not the impassioned roller coaster of young love and infatuation.  It is steady.  A deep and flowing river.  Love grows admiration and respect.  Love grows honor and joy.  It's the little things.  It's who my husband is as a man.  It is who he has become in Christ, as a father to our children, as the man who loves me in his unique way, as the man he is to the rest of the world.  It is so many things and I am grateful for all of it.  As our anniversary approaches, I am thankful and look forward to many more years as God allows.