Middle-aged. Mid-life Crisis?

The comic strips often portray a middle-aged man impulsively purchasing a brand-new car and going off on some wild and crazy adventure, while everyone around him shakes their heads and calls out "mid-life crisis".

Mid-life crisis can mean something different to everyone. It causes one to look at their lives and consider things like joy, purpose, worth, impact, etc.  It causes one to consider where they are and where they are going.  

You've been an adult for so many years now, and you have an uncertain, yet limited, number of years to come.  It's natural to consider these things in life.  Although, for those who are less likely to ponder, they may not understand those feelings of discontent and uncertainty about life and choices they make.

These past couple years have been a struggle for me.  Demands on my time and my energy outweigh the time and energy I have for myself.  It is part and parcel of being a mother of four, with one being in the toddler years.  It is easy to lose yourself in the busyness of life.  I needed to find me again.  To be more than just mom, cook, and cleaner.

My prayer journal often consisted of me asking God for help, guidance, and direction in one way or another.  He always comes through, and He always meets those needs in one way or another.  But it does require a heart that is open to Him and looking for His leading.  If I hadn't written those prayers and been able to re-read them, I would have missed noticing some of the unique ways that He answered my prayers.

My husband got tired of hearing me comment that I longed for some time to myself, time away from the kids.  He couldn't comprehend it because he would, in a heartbeat, jump at the chance to be home with the kids day in and day out, rather than having to spend his time and energy on work.  

Finding the right way to express myself was important.  He needed to understand that although I love being a stay-at-home mom, that doesn't mean that it isn't hard.  It doesn't mean that I don't love our kids.  It doesn't mean that I'm taking his hard work for granted (so I can be home with them).  I was just losing myself in the day to day demands, and my ability to keep it up was diminishing.

We had a good heart-to-heart conversation where we both were able to express some things to each other and explain misunderstandings. I had been stuck in my struggles and didn't realize my hubby was also dealing with some of his own struggles.  Once we were able to reach that place where we understood each other, it made a world of difference!  

It only happened because we have made a commitment to each other and to the Lord in our marriage.  We have kept our hearts open to the Lord's leading, and also to each other.  Having the hard conversations can be difficult; and being patient to wait for the right timing is important too.

I have changed some of the things I was/wasn't doing, and he has too.  He makes a point to help me find time for myself.  Whether intentional or not, he has also taken a more active role at home when he isn't working.  I sure see him and appreciate him for it!  God has put a good team together with the two of us when we can communicate and share compassion for each other.

As my little guy is outgrowing his toddler attitudes and developing more independence, I am finding it easier to carve out bits of time for me here and there.  I've added a devotional for my own personal growth and I take advantage of any shopping trips or mom-taxiing as well.  Sometimes I will send the boys to play in their room for a few minutes of peace and quiet.  

Finding time for me is a work in progress.  It can't come at the cost of others in my life, but it does mean making some changes, communication, and being real.  I'm enjoying having the opportunity to do these things.

Giving ought to be Fun!

It's the time of year for making Christmas wish lists again, and while mine looks super boring and practical to some... I am excited for it.  They are all items that will help make my life easier or my home more enjoyable to me.  

Last year, my hubby insisted I put something on my list that was just for me, for "fun".  I came up with a bath pillow because I like hot soaks.  Baths are often my only alone time in a day, and that is only if my little guy doesn't escape his sisters and beg to play in the water.  At least he has learned to shut the door behind him. lol!  I wasn't surprised at all to receive that pillow, and I use it on occasion.

That's the trick to Christmas wish lists.  To make sure you have enough variety of items that are in the price range of those who want to gift something, and to have something that they will feel good buying for you.  It seems a little silly, but who doesn't want to enjoy giving when they give?

I know that I do!  My nieces have reached the age where cash is the best gift.  But I hate just giving a boring card and the expected cash.  I try to always have something fun to add with it.  One year was fuzzy socks.  Another year, I hid individual bills in balloons in a huge box.  Then I gave them little tin boxes with "million dollar" candy bars and taped the cash on the back of the candy bars.  Just to bring them a smile and for me to have fun too.   Something fun, something unexpected.  Birthdays and holidays should be fun!

Changing up 1st Grade Handwriting: Flexibility in Homeschooling!

 I was given a curriculum published by Memoria Press for teaching phonics and handwriting.  It is a very thorough program with lots of handwriting practice and can also be used in a classroom setting.  I liked it a lot and thought it was just the right thing for my first grader's handwriting needs.

He hated it.  So much so that he began to refuse to cooperate for his lessons.  A big red flag for me.  I want my kids to learn to love learning.  I forget sometimes how different my kids and I are.  I like writing.  I have always enjoyed the flow of pencil on paper...my son, not so much.  He was even refusing to write in other areas too.

As a result, we took some time away from handwriting because I didn't want it to become a source of contention between us or a learned resistance.

Instead, we did several hands-on activities that strengthen the motor skills used in holding a pencil and controlling small movements.  He loved those so much, and he asked when we could continue his language arts program from last year, Language Lessons for a Living Education by Masterbooks.

This past week we started using his program from last year, it has writing practice built in, but not enough for his needs, in my opinion.  So, we are continuing to do those fine motor skill activities and have started a new handwriting program, Learning Without Tears, suggested by a friend of mine.  It is more relaxed and geared towards his development level.  

The new handwriting program has some manipulatives to help learn how to form letters (mainly review for him) and he had fun playing with those.  

I also considered another program called A Reason for Writing, but when he looked at the two different workbook samples, he chose the Learning Without Tears program.  I don't expect it to be his favorite part of school, but I think it will be simple enough that he can manage and won't develop such a resistance to it.

Homeschool Update

 We are 3 weeks in and finally finding our groove.  It's been a mental challenge to figure out how to fit it all in and what each child needs.  Thankfully, after taking the first few weeks to get the older kiddos familiar with their class requirements, they are starting to be more independent so I can focus on our younger kiddos.  Here is what we are working on right now:

11th Grade:  Our wonderful oldest is not currently college bound, although that possibility isn't completely ruled out.  So, we are still taking transcript requirements into consideration when planning out her year.  Becoming an author is her current career goal.  

Knowing her strengths and weaknesses, we made the last-minute switch to a different math curriculum for her.  It is a simpler math program that will ensure she has the basics mastered while taking up less time from her day than the math program that her siblings are using.

We also made a huge leap into a new program for her language arts.  She is taking a Creative Writing course online through Young Writer's Workshop.  It is absolutely amazing and has brought more excitement and motivation into her dream of writing for a career.  She spent two hours of her own time working on this one subject today!

9th Grade:  Our wonderful second child is college bound.  She has a career in mind but hasn't fully decided.  She's got time!

For her, we are working on meeting transcript requirements and challenging her to push herself in her studies.  Speech is a challenging class that she is slowly coming around to, and her math is where she simply excels.  She is nearly finished with her Algebra 1 course and will complete or be close to completing Geometry by the end of the year if she continues at her current pace.

1st Grade:  Our wonderful third child!  His math program recently added a mastery challenge to each lesson in order to encourage kids to spend the extra time needed to truly master the concepts.  He has just embraced the challenge whole-heartedly.  He will not move on to the next lesson until he has achieved the math mastery!  It has slowed down his progress but solidified the concepts he is learning.  He will complete 1st grade math before Christmas.

Language Arts is the class we are still figuring out.  He is currently working on handwriting.  He gets bored with it, so it is challenging to get him to spend the effort to write neatly and learn to form the letters the correct way.  I will probably end up changing what we are doing because I don't' want him to learn to despise writing.  I just haven't figured out what to change to yet.  Thankfully, he is reading quite well with little effort, so I am not too worried about that part of it!

Preschool:  Our wonderful youngest!  He is busy learning many life skills right now.  We're settling into a routine with school and I'm finding ways to include him in our learning at his level.  He does a lot of the same things his older brother is doing, just a bit more simplified.  

Naps are limited, he actually stopped napping over summer break, but with the busyness of the school day, he will take a short nap, and that helps to give me some one-on-one time with his older brother.  When naps end, we'll create a new routine. :)

Prayer Journal

 Diaries and journals, things of girlhood that have followed me into my adult life.  They have been such a help.

In early elementary school I tried keeping a journal.  I never knew quite what to write and felt strange just recording my life for an unknown future generation.  Those entries are short and sporadic.

As a teenager, I began journaling to God.  It felt good to be writing to someone who was reading my words and actively caring about my cares of each day.

I have a box full of prayer journals now.  I prefer spiral bound, hard cover, with thick, lined paper.  I can still find them for less than $5 at Ross and sometimes Walmart.

My journal keeps me grounded.  I can vent my troubles, praise God for His answers to prayer, thank Him for His involvement that I recognize, but didn't necessarily ask for.  

On occasion, I go back and read through previous entries, and I can see how He has been working and where my attitude has been.  I can see where He has answered prayers in ways that I might not have recognized otherwise.  It helps me adjust my perspective and recognize patterns that might need changing.

My prayer journals increase the benefits of my walk of faith.  Writing my prayers keeps my mind focused on what I am saying to God and minimizes the bunny trails my thoughts can take me on when I am praying without pen and paper.

It especially helps me as a mom.  My kids interrupt my prayer time, and I can set down my pen and manage the current situation and return back to where I was to finish my conversation with God.

A few years ago, I was reading 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Always be joyful.  Never stop praying.  Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."

After that, I usually start my prayer journal giving thanks for something, even when it might take me a bit to come up with something I can be thankful for.  It helps my attitude and keeps my heart humble towards God.

Failures (written last week and posted to be real)

 Tonight I fight the mom guilt, discouragement, and overwhelm.  

Today was disrespectful kiddo moments, a bug-ruined bell pepper in the garden, tummy troubles from something I ate, and mom guilt over my kids' emotions.  

I know I am not a bad mom, but when it feels my efforts are failing, guilt and discouragement comes easy, and the thought of not good enough hits harder.

I cope by spending my work night taking a much needed hot shower, taking it easy on the homeschool planning, reviewing my plans for grocery shopping tomorrow, and taking a little time for me to watch some brainless videos and listen to uplifting music.

Next I will go to bed.

Surprising

 I am truly surprised at how satisfying and fulfilling it is to grow your own food.  What started as a means to an end (feeding my family better), has accomplished so much more than ever imagined.

It is relaxing to spend time in the garden, inspecting the plants, caring for them and watching them grow and mature.

There is so much more involved in gardening than simply planting, watering, and harvesting.  There is bug identification (friend or foe?), plant diseases to watch out for and treat, pruning (knowing where, when and what to snip), all the various methods of supporting vertical growth to pack more into our space...

I was a bug catcher as a kid, so using my bug app on my phone to identify all the critters in our garden is fun.  We have California Glow Worms that look like tiny lightening bugs, parasitic wasps, lady bugs, leaf cutter bees, ants, leaf miners, cabbage moths, flea beetles and lots more that I can't remember the names of.

The kids love to help me water and end up soaked at least every other day.  They like to learn about the different bugs and see the food growing in the garden.  It was my baby this year, next year, now that I have a better idea of what is going on, I will involve them more in the process.

We have harvested a handful of strawberries, three cucumbers, radishes and one zucchini.  We still have at least two more months of harvesting to come!

Growing a Garden

 Last year I worked with my hubby on our garden, he has always been the garden person in our family.  I just went along with it...

Suddenly, I am the gardener.  This year it is my baby!  I researched and have totally made it my own.  Instead of row gardening like we usually do, I am trying out square foot gardening.

Row gardens are plants in rows, with a walkway typically between each row, kind of like a farmer has.

Square foot gardening is more of a grid-type of garden, usually used in raised beds, but ours are still in-ground.  You plant according to the square foot, anywhere from 1-9 plants per square foot.  You can fit in a lot of produce in a smaller space that way.

We are growing:  

tomatoes (staking them and pruning them to a single stalk): cherry, roma, and slicers.

herbs: parsley, oregano, cilantro, sage, thyme, rosemary, basil

cucumber

squash: zucchini, summer squash

beets, carrots, onions, radishes

peppers: mini red, green bell, and jalepeno

leaf lettuce

broccoli

watermelon

They are growing wonderfully after a cold spring and delayed planting.  We had a lot of wind so I couldn't acclimate them from indoors to outdoors, and they suffered for a bit after they were planted outdoors, but now a few weeks later, they are growing well!

Loss

 We had to put our "puppo" down yesterday.  It was unexpected and heart-wrenching.  For several weeks she would randomly go through spells where she wouldn't want to eat and would vomit bile in the mornings, but she always seemed to get through it.

We first considered her hip-dysplasia supplement as a cause.  It has a side-effect of an upset tummy.  But ruled that out because she didn't always get sick after having it.  Only sometimes.

Then we switched her dog food in case of sensitivity to a food.  She liked it more, but still had episodes of not wanting to eat.

Then we got really strict with watching for any human foods she might be getting into from the kids dropping things on the floor.

Then we found wild garlic growing in our yard, so we fenced it off and thought perhaps we'd found the cause.

Then, this weekend, she had an absolute blast playing with her best buddy all day long.  The next day she wouldn't eat breakfast like her previous episodes.  When I got home, she was hoovering up as much grass as she could eat and then vomiting it all up, leaving clumps around the yard.

Sunday she stopped eating or drinking anything at all.  The vet was closed so we did online research and ended up syringe feeding her a mix of pedialyte and water to keep her hydrated.  Monday, the vet was booked and couldn't get her in.  They reassured me that if we could only get her to eat, she would probably get over whatever upset her tummy.

So I boiled chicken and rice.  She turned away from it.  We force-fed bits throughout the day.  She seemed to perk up after getting food and water in her, but she wouldn't eat on her own.  She barely took a sip of water once without the syringe.  That evening it all came back up.

I took her to the E.R. and they gave her fluids and an anti-nausea injection.  The prices were super high for anything and they didn't think her symptoms were needing immediate attention, so we left and waited for her vet appointment on Tuesday afternoon.

The vet did an x-ray and bloodwork.  They questioned me on all sorts of things that dogs might consume.  All I could think of was a rock from the yard or the few pieces of her buddy's food that she snuck.  

She liked to play with rocks.  She tossed them into the air and would try to catch them again.  Kind of like she was playing catch with herself.  The x-rays showed a jagged rock stuck in her small intestine.  It was completely blocking her system and too large to pass.  The price for the 'exploratory' surgery would have taken up everything we had, with no certainty that it wouldn't happen again.  We have a lot of rock in our yard.

Choosing to put her down was one of the hardest decisions of our lives.  I didn't anticipate that being a possibility.  Her spay surgery was so much cheaper, I never imagined the cost being so high.  Grieving her loss has been hard.  The unexpected loss adds to the hurt, watching our children grieve is absolutely heartbreaking...

Our older three were present.  Everyone got to say their goodbyes.  Our kindergartener sobbed and hugged her, he asked all kinds of questions.  I explained everything as simply as I could for him.  On the way home he was sad, but still curious about the world and asked me which was meaner, wasps or mosquitos?  That's when I knew he would be okay.

Our freshman bawled and bawled, but seems a little better today.  Our oldest is taking it the hardest.  She always does.  Walking through grief with them is hard.

Anxiety

At our daughter's request and suggestion of her therapist, we have completed a second-opinion neurological assessment.

She definitely has symptoms of ADHD, but fell short of having enough symptoms for a diagnosis.  Neither did she qualify for an ASD diagnosis, in fact that was a much lower score.  Rather, she received a confirmed diagnosis of General Anxiety Disorder along with minor Social Anxiety and borderline Depression (which often goes hand-in-hand with anxiety).  Her ADHD symptoms are a direct result of the anxiety she battles.

I appreciated the approach of the psychologist who did the second-opinion.  She was incredibly thorough.  The amount of testing and paperwork we completed was much more than her first assessment.  Her explanation of how she came to her conclusions and why made sense.  My only pause, is knowledge that this was an assessment completed by someone who doesn't know Christ.  I don't doubt her conclusions, but my hubby and I will prayerfully move forward in how we approach dealing with anxiety.  

While it is her diagnosis and something she will live with, it also affects our family and how we will do life together.  My first response is to research for myself to understand her better and understand anxiety better.  Secondly, I am spending time learning from her what her anxiety is like for her and how it affects her choices and her behavior.  We are learning much.

I joined some groups about parenting children with anxiety, and the stories I read there are so much more severe than ours.  Those parents and children are living a heart-breaking reality.  It is apparent to me that a faith in Christ and having the Holy Spirit actively involved makes a huge difference.  I pray for wisdom and guidance as we learn how to help her best.

Climbing out of a Funky Mood

 Ever just get in a mood where you can't seem to get motivated to do what you normally do?  A family member is house shopping, and I love looking at homes and imagining what life in that space might be like.  To me, it is fun, whether I'm imagining for myself or someone else.  Then I got the bright idea to look at what homes we would be looking at if we were to sell our home and try to buy within the profit margin to get rid of debt.  Mind you, I have absolutely no interest in moving again and I love my home.  I felt a nudge to ignore that idea, but I looked anyway out of sheer curiosity.

Home prices are simply ridiculous.  For the price we paid for our current home, we couldn't even find anything like our first tiny little starter home.  It is simply crazy.  We'd have to move into a run-down home that needed complete remodeling and a lot of care to be workable, I've been spoiled with how God has blessed us in our current home.  I was shocked at how much the housing market has changed in just a few years.

After following random bunny trails I found myself in a funk.  I didn't feel like doing anything, it was disappointing.  And just like that, Satan stole my contentment.  It took me a while to figure out what it was that was effecting my mood and motivation.  Once I did, I prayed for a better perspective and that God would bring me back to finding joy in them mundane and contentment with my life.

The next day, I woke up in a better frame of mind and decided to delete my home-finding apps from my phone and focus on where God has placed me and the tasks He has set before me.  My husband, my children, educating our children, keeping our home, meal planning, garden prep, etc.

I got another bright idea to change up our garden from a large 15x15 square to more narrow beds 3 feet wide.  My hubby was skeptical, but gave me permission, so I spent $35 this past weekend and I moved pea gravel, bought cement blocks and created a garden bed 3x8.5 feet.  (That's what fit between the sprinkler system hoses so that I don't have to call someone in to move those around.)  

I plan to move dirt from our current garden by the fence to that new garden bed and put the pea gravel by the fence.  It will give me more space to work with the plants without having to squeeze in along the fence or walk on the garden itself, which compacts the dirt making it more difficult for plants to grow.  So far, I am pleased with the progress I have made and the minimal work/cost involved.  

The real test will be continuing to make the necessary changes in the current garden bed.  I'd like to make it into 2 beds instead of  one large one.  We'll see how the next couple months progress.  If I don't get to it this year, I can still use the large space we have and our new garden bed.  I will at least have made gardening a little bit easier on myself. 

And just like that, God has helped me to find joy in the mundane. :)

My Gifts

 Forever learning and growing.  It never reaches an end, at least not here on earth.

We said goodbye to the Christmas season and welcomed 2022.  I spent time tweaking our daily routine and tracking our progress on school goals before we started a regular school routine.  It has made a big difference and is helping our days go smoother.  I also found a way to work our routine into a lesson plan set up so I can write into the routine what activities I have planned.  It helps me stay on task and not forget what comes next.

Our toddler is becoming a little boy.  His comprehension is increasing, his vocabulary has exploded, and he wants to be involved in all the things just like everyone else.  He watches his older brother and mimics him frequently.  He now loves to have others playing with him and is starting to participate in cooperative play instead of just parallel play.  I love it when he says to me, "Play me, Momma.  Play me."  He skips the "with", but his intent is clear and so sweet to my ears.

Our kindergartener is just learning so much and reading like crazy.  I haven't even taught him the phonics yet for many of the words he is able to figure out through the context and sounds he does know.  The other day, he was reading with Daddy and was able to figure out the word "contraption" with Daddy's help on the "tion" part.  He is constantly surprising me with what he is learning and figuring out.  Questions are non-stop and often ones I wouldn't have ever considered.  

He asks things like, "When are we going to build a rocket ship...a real one?"  Which led into a conversation about NASA and scientists, and I said if he wanted to he could learn as much math and science as he could to maybe build a rocket ship after he is done being a swim teacher (his current career goal).  He was quick to inform me that he was ALWAYS going to be a swim teacher and no other jobs.  He is such a sweet boy, and determined in his own mind what he is going to do.

That's how things are going with our littles.  Our teenagers are on a whole different level of development, although they all stretch my brain power!

Our 8th grader is really beginning to develop more of her own person this past year.  She is focusing more on her interests and finding herself.  She is skilled at protecting herself and it has been a work in progress to reach her in a way that encourages her to open up to us.  Discipline is a careful and intentional process to reach her at a heart level and not trigger the protective brick wall that hides her most vulnerable thoughts and feelings.  Getting to know her is such a joy.

Our oldest has been through such struggles this past year, and she continues to persevere.  Rather than any negative way she could reasonably react, she continues to push herself to work on her areas of weakness and seek the Lord in all she does.  God told me she would have a strength of faith and a love for Him before she was even born.  Watching her faith in her struggle and the way He is molding her heart to His is a blessing.

And those are my four gifts.  God has called me to be their mommy, and as often as I fall flat on my face as a mom, I feel so blessed to be given this opportunity to raise them and love them.  They make my heart happy.