Life continues to be an overwhelming balance of survival and striving to get ahead...to improve with each roll of the waves that push backwards as life moves forward. This week was a challenging one. At work we had two nights of a first-time event. I would deem it successful, but also a learning process. I worked a good 50 hours this week and the mind-numbing exhaustion is pulling at me.
At home it was another challenge to keep up with the housework...well, we didn't keep up. My hubby's medication is on a nationwide shortage and his energy was an all time low since chemo. He'd come home from work and take a two hour nap. One night he fell asleep during dinner. Thankfully he was able to get his prescription today so I am hopeful for a relaxing and restful weekend.
Through it all I am again learning to continue to rely on my Lord. Seeking Him and trusting in His promises and faithfulness brings a comfort and a peace to the chaos of my life right now. I have the thought that I am still not as moldable as the Lord would prefer me to be in the ministry He has placed me. I am called to be where I am, doing what I'm doing. Of that I am confident. Letting go of the reigns of life to the Lord is something I have always struggled to do. I used to stubbornly clench them in my fists and refuse to let go. Now I find myself unconsciously playing with the reigns in my hands, not intentionally trying to steer my life, but unsure of how to live without a hand on the reigns, I don't quite know what it is to completely let go...and perhaps these struggles are teaching me how, little by little. Walking in faith is so much more difficult when you can't let go of yourself, your hurts, and your self-trust.
It was surprising to discover how deep wounds can go. I knew it stressed me to think of talking to the person who hurt me, but when I did, I just wasn't able to do more than formalities. The hurt was too strong to try to talk without showing it was difficult. This person wants to maintain our former friendship and I just don't know if it is possible. I don't think I harbor any anger or hard feelings. I just can't pretend everything is okay and there hasn't been a good opportunity to hash out what happened to see if the relationship can be repaired.
On the plus side, the Lord continues to show His faithfulness. Even though this struggle feels overwhelming, I am surrounded by great support and my children are happy and we are continuing to improve being WITH each other. My hubby and I are continuing to grow together as a couple and as parents. God is Good. ALL the time. No matter what.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Spiritual High
Heavenly Father I give all of me to you. Move in my life and I will follow. Your humble servant, I earnestly seek you and wait on you. You are Almighty God and you and you alone know me, know my heart, and know my path. Encourage and uplift me. Enable me to be a light, to be a lamp shining your light. I praise you and I am filled with gratitude for your faithfulness, your understanding and your compassion. In your Son's name, Amen.
Here I am, barely a three weeks after I first learned of the pending changes in our administration at work. I have felt every type of emotion in this circumstance. It was obvious as events played out that this circumstance was orchestrated by God. I didn't understand what He was doing. I couldn't rationalize what had occurred to cause these events, but yet they were happening and it was somehow God's purpose and His will for me.
This process of saying goodbye...to a loved co-worker, to a way of doing things, and to whatever understanding I had of what God was doing...was difficult. There were feelings of betrayal, feelings of discouragement, self-doubt, helplessness, and overwhelming responsibilities to be sorted out. Knowing that God's hand was directing it all brought a measure of comfort and reminded me to "Let Go and Let God". I did let go, as much as I humanly could and I pray that He will enable me to grow stronger and better through this.
Today ends our first week as a duo in the office. It has been increasingly encouraging. We are able to handle much more with less stress than I originally thought we could. Yes, I'm still behind in work, yet considering what we've come through, we are doing quite well. The stress level has actually decreased.
On the home front, my prayers are changing perspective. I noticed that in my journals I often pray wearing hats. Specifically prayers as a mom and prayers as a working woman in authority. Now I am striving to pray as just me. A woman after God's own heart no matter what hat she is wearing. I want God to make me complete...as complete as I can be while still here on earth. It is nice to not be feeling that the waves of life are overtaking me any more. It's still a rough sea to navigate, but with the Lord's help I feel safe and secure in Him.
Here I am, barely a three weeks after I first learned of the pending changes in our administration at work. I have felt every type of emotion in this circumstance. It was obvious as events played out that this circumstance was orchestrated by God. I didn't understand what He was doing. I couldn't rationalize what had occurred to cause these events, but yet they were happening and it was somehow God's purpose and His will for me.
This process of saying goodbye...to a loved co-worker, to a way of doing things, and to whatever understanding I had of what God was doing...was difficult. There were feelings of betrayal, feelings of discouragement, self-doubt, helplessness, and overwhelming responsibilities to be sorted out. Knowing that God's hand was directing it all brought a measure of comfort and reminded me to "Let Go and Let God". I did let go, as much as I humanly could and I pray that He will enable me to grow stronger and better through this.
Today ends our first week as a duo in the office. It has been increasingly encouraging. We are able to handle much more with less stress than I originally thought we could. Yes, I'm still behind in work, yet considering what we've come through, we are doing quite well. The stress level has actually decreased.
On the home front, my prayers are changing perspective. I noticed that in my journals I often pray wearing hats. Specifically prayers as a mom and prayers as a working woman in authority. Now I am striving to pray as just me. A woman after God's own heart no matter what hat she is wearing. I want God to make me complete...as complete as I can be while still here on earth. It is nice to not be feeling that the waves of life are overtaking me any more. It's still a rough sea to navigate, but with the Lord's help I feel safe and secure in Him.
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