Merry Christmas! Christmas was wonderful. Everything has gone well. Our children were more than blessed by others and our new appliances are such a blessing.
Somehow I don't feel relaxed. I feel more stressed than I have felt in a long, long time. The month of December has been more stressful though. Perhaps it is still not worked out of my system yet.
Professionally, I have had more stress in my job than is normal. Partly due to my own ethics...standing up for what I believe to be right, is hard. I hate conflict in the deepest part my soul and even standing up for what I think is right causes me immense stress. I have second guessed myself and reviewed my motives multiple times to be sure that I was not acting on selfish or biased motives. I don't believe I did.
At home, of course it has been stressful. Positive stresses mostly, but stressful all the same. I've been trying to let go of the reigns so to speak at home. Since my husband's cancer, much of this year I have been the decision maker with parenting our children, I have figured out how to make things work managing our home, the health and well-being of our family, scheduling, meals, providing for needs. I've done what I had to in order to keep our family going. To keep the children as protected and undamaged by this thing called cancer as I possibly can. To maintain my sanity and my walk with the Lord. To continue to be a supportive wife and care for my husband's needs. Maybe my resolve, my strength has at last failed me. My husband is healing. His hair is slowly returning. His energy is increasing. His involvement as a spouse and father is increasing. All very wonderful things. All changes that I am adjusting to as well.
The next CT scan is in two days. The first since chemo began. I am terrified, uncertain of what to expect and beyond the ability to try and prepare myself. Admitting that feels strange, because I can barely rationalize the stress. The cancer should be gone. The lymph node enlargement should be reduced. I don't know if I can handle any more. I don't know that I am terrified of the scan and what it may or may not show. But I am terrified of having to handle one more thing. My perseverance is running out. I want to run into my Heavenly Father's arms and find that perfect rest. Literally. I give up. Somewhere along this road I've forgotten to do that. When did I stop relying on the Lord? I don't even know.
I've been trying my best to be everything I need to be for everybody. The strong, immovable, faithful, godly woman, wife, and mother I think I need to be. I think the line between following God's will by doing my part and allowing Him to lead got distorted. I get confused knowing just how much I need to be doing to follow God's will verses just how much I don't need to do.
I wish I could follow this verse easier...it baffles me. "They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise up on wings like eagles, They will run and not grow weary, walk and not faint." Isaiah 41:31 (paraphrased).
Perhaps the answer is right in front of me. Quoted in a book I was reading today, "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord, wait for the Lord. I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait. And in His Word I do hope." Psalm 27:14, 130:5.
The NIV phrases Isaiah 40:31 "those who HOPE in the Lord" instead of those who WAIT. Perhaps I have slowly misplaced my hope and my focus...I wish it was harder to do. I seem to excel at this...I'm glad I have this blog. I think I learn more from it than you might. Goodnight and God bless.
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