With the death of my former boss, I debated internally whether or not I wanted to attend her memorial service. I would have gotten to see some of my much-loved friends from those years of working together. I also would have had to see people who have hurt me deeply.
Blogging was closure enough for me and was the only coping I needed in dealing with the news of her death. I expected more emotional moments, but I feel at peace with my relationship with her and how we last parted ways.
I took it to the Lord in prayer about whether or not I wanted to go. Ultimately, I had more peace in leaving the past in the past and not attending. The purpose of her service was to honor the life that God gave her and the work she did for Him. My attendance, for me, wouldn't be for that purpose. I honored God's work in her in my own way here on my blog, and that was enough.
In my prayer time, I also asked God to heal some of those wounds. He revealed some truths to me that I needed to hear.
We are studying Philippians at church, and our pastor went over a passage in chapter 2, and some interesting pieces of the study really stood out to me. The theme of the first few verses is "Unity through Humility", speaking of the relationship believers should have together. Verses 3 and 4 say, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."
It hit me because when I first took on the challenge of becoming director, I entered that role with a sincere humility. I knew that it was a role I wasn't experienced enough for and that it would require divine intervention for me to accomplish. When I interviewed with the church leadership, they barely glanced at my typed list of goals for my role as director. My heart to be a servant leader, my heart of humility was viewed as a tactic to gain the job.
God was revealing to me that there was already selfish ambition and sin already present. His coming judgement was not caused by my failure.
He also reminded me that no leader is present without His allowing it. My stepping into the director role wasn't me stepping out of God's will as I once thought.
It wasn't my responsibility to fix the problems and make it all work either. When God removed me from that position, He was saving me from myself and from the damage it was causing me.
I recognize that while I started my role in humility, the severe spiritual battle that was waging was more than I could handle on my own. I started out depending on the Lord, fell into depending on others and myself, and suffered the consequences of that failure. I wonder if I had stayed in tune with the Lord, if I might have recognized His work in removing His blessing and bringing judgement on the church. Would I have left sooner? I'll never know.
What I do know is that He has answered all of my prayers perfectly. His answers aren't always what I think the options are, and that is so wonderful. His ways are not mine, they are so much better. They are exactly what my spiritual walk with Him needs for me to continue to grow and mature in my faith. I praise Him for this!
