It's been a while since I've blogged. My blogs have been sporadic and haltingly composed. Needless to say, I'm going through something on a deeply personal level. Rather than opening my bleeding heart to the world, I have treasured the silence and mourned the lack of relationship. This blog allows me to share my heart, but it doesn't develop relationship. I would say it hinders relationship.
Anywho...I felt like writing for the first time in a while and I'll probably ramble. I've been in a place where I have been uncertain of how I feel about God. I can't say that I am mad at Him, although I haven't been very willing to listen for Him either. I have a frustration somewhere deep and I've been emotionally hurt recently in a way that makes me unwilling to openly trust Him either -even though my head tells me that's a copout. I grow weary of the struggle spiritually. Whatever this season might be, or even its purpose -I can't define it right now. I'm just living through it. Waiting on God, acknowledging my faults and whatever is going on is how I'm coping.
Physically I am in pain constantly with my neck/shoulders/back. Physical therapy starts this coming week. Dealing with the pain is something I can handle even though I find it exasperating. Resting and not using my muscles is hard to maintain. I will get to a place where I can last 7 hours without needing pain medications before everything starts stiffening up, but if I begin to use my muscles at all...it takes all that "progress" backwards. I have a high-level of pain tolerance, especially muscle pain...I gave birth completely naturally twice...it never "hurt" to a point of wanting to give up. It was just exhausting to accomplish. I don't want to unwittingly down-play the reality of the injury to doctors. I just want to know what is going on, and the how's and why's that go with it. Since this is my first experience with this type of health problem in my own body, I want to understand it. I hope that the therapist will be able to teach me.
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