Coping.

This is my year to be broken.  A scary car accident in April.  A hurtful end to my longtime job in July.  Starting a new job in unfamiliar territory.  A second terrifying car accident.

I am not myself.
Because I don't know her anymore.
Her confidence is shattered.
Her way of life as she once knew it, is gone.
God is making everything new and it hurts.
I just pray He makes me whole again. 
With confidence and trust in Him rather than myself.

The most recent car accident lands on my shoulders for the weight of responsibility.  A split second misunderstood expectation of the other driver's intentions and a decision I couldn't change once I acted on it placed my daughter in harm's way.  The thousands upon thousands of driving close calls we see on a regular basis, and this had to happen.  I now fear intersections.  I take routes specifically to minimize the potential of risky situations.  Driving brings anxiety, especially when other vehicles drive unsafely.

I do not feel guilty.  Only broken.
To watch her fall in and out of consciousness in the hospital.
Not knowing the extent of the harm my actions caused.
I am grateful she only received a concussion and nothing more.
Her cognitive abilities are returning.  I hope and pray she recovers fully to her prior self.
I remind myself that God uses all things for the good of those who love Him.
Somehow He has a plan and purpose within all this for my benefit.  For her benefit.

Watching her flit around the house, seemingly without an understanding of where she was going or what she would do when she got there.
Watching her unspoken struggles. 
Unable to play her favorite computer games.  Unable to draw as detailed as she used to. 
Her sadness in realizing that she couldn't make the pencil grace the page and settling for less.  Or simply giving up.  Unable to focus or concentrate. 
Mental exhaustion comes quickly and easily.  The first few days of recovery are very relaxed and lazy as simply watching movies or attempting a task causes fatigue.

Realizing that our whole family needed to make adjustments for her as she heals.
Previously always trying to keep up, her sister now is patient and loving with her, playing in simpler ways.
Finding ways to keep her mind active while not pushing her too hard.  Re-adjusting our understanding of her abilities.
Physically helping her to bathe, as she lacked the coordination and even the recognition that she didn't complete a task.
Watching the bruising on her body and face expand and heal with the beautifully ugly colors of purple and yellow-green.

She is greatly improved within the five days since the accident.  Her memory is recovering its attention to detail.  Her coordination is improving and the stumbling less frequent.  Her last bath, she was close to her previous abilities to accomplish the task.  She has successfully been able to return to school.  Her teacher working with her, still working on the same subjects, but decreasing the workload for her to a manageable level.
She still is restless at times.  Wandering aimlessly about the house or a room, picking up objects and putting them down elsewhere.  Asking to do things and moving on before an answer is given.  My guess is her mental perseverance is wearing thin during these times and she needs rest, but doesn't recognize it.

I am thankful she is healing.
I am thankful I am healing...emotionally, physically, spiritually...