Sometimes He calms the storm, other times He calms His child

The CT scan was today.  We went as a family.  When my hubby went back for the scan, the children and I waited in the waiting room.  My youngest stood up on a chair in the waiting room and serenaded the people waiting in the waiting area.  She sang, "Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to cherry me home!" over and over.  It was the first glimpse of God's touch in our lives, making a stressful morning less stressful.  My hubby returned to tell me that they had to do an IV, they had attempted the scan without the dye, but needed a clearer view.

Normally, it takes the absolute best of the best to get an IV into one of my husband's veins.  When he was in the hospital for surgery it took 3 attempts each time to get one going.  Our second glimpse of God's provision was that he allowed the person to get the IV started on the first try.

Results came quickly.  Enlarged lymph nodes.  We feared the worst and hoped we were wrong.  Again God was at work.  Our doctor was out of the office until next Monday.  They were able to contact the doctor and he took the time to check the results, personally call my husband and start the process for further testing.  The cancer is back.

It is still very surreal.  The barrage of tests won't begin until next week.  We have at least this one weekend to be a normal family, knowing that once the work week starts again, our lives will change forever once more.  The cancer is very responsive to chemo therapy and likely curable.  Going through this won't be easy.  For whatever reason, God is not calming the storm of cancer, but he is calming his children...us. 

Even before I heard the confirmation of cancer, I had it out with God.  I told him that I was giving it all to him.  All I have is his.  Whatever he wills, I accept.  I asked for the strength to endure this trial.  I asked for his protection for myself and my loved ones.  My children, my husband, myself...the illness, the tests, the waits.  I don't fear the outcome.  I fear the journey.  I need to trust in Him to lead me through step by step.  He did last time, He will again.  It will not be easy.  I anticipate the hardest journey of my life.  I just pray we make it through with minimal scars for my children, my husband, our families.

CT Scan and Results

The day of the CT scan we made it a family morning.  All of us went to the hospital and kept daddy company while we waited.  After the scan we had a family breakfast before we had to go our separate ways.  Results were expected the next day, so I didn't worry to much that day.  Late that afternoon my husband called with the results...they were in early!  My immediate thought was: "Results early...it must mean they found more cancer!"  But he proceeded to say that the scan revealed "no evidence of cancer".  After I got over the shock, I was elated!  I told everyone and I was so relieved.  Could it really be possible that there was an end to this journey?
I did praise the Lord and thank him for the news.  It was all him after all!

We had another appointment scheduled the next day to discuss our next steps.  I fully expected to hear that we could either do a round of chemo/radiation or we could just do surveillance.  My husband and I were thinking we would probably do the surveillance with the tumor removed and no spreading to be seen.  Little did we know that there was more information we weren't aware of.

The doctor informed us that in the pathology report of the tumor there were cancer cells found in the tubes that travel to the lymph nodes.  This meant that it was possible the cancer had already spread, but wasn't developed enough to show on the CT scan.  This struck a devastating blow.  Our options did include chemo and surveillance, but it also included the option for a surgery to remove the lymph nodes.  Each option carried heavy risks.  There was not an easy decision to be made.  After being so elated and expecting to be almost done with this cancer journey...there was another hurdle to get through.  This one came much closer to home.

Chemo carries life-long side effects, but the lowest chance of recurrence.
Surgery carried it's own risks, and depending on what was found could mean a low chance of recurrence or the need for chemo anyway.
Surveillance carried the highest risk of recurrence with some life-long side effects from the surveillance methods.

So began the game of the what-ifs and figuring out what our true priorities were in this process.  We're leaning towards the surgery, because we think it is still early for the cancer...continue praying.  I'm making more of an effort to pray each day and read the Word.  It helps me to read the healing verses to my husband and it gets my Bible into my hands so I am more likely to read it for myself too.