My blogs have been shorter and fewer since cancer. Part of it is the simple truth that life is not as awesomely challenging anymore. I mean, everyone wants to know how you manage surviving life with cancer...but does everyone really want to know about my personal struggles in life? Do I want you to know? As it seems with many, I am my hardest critic. I can label myself guilty and unworthy so quickly it isn't funny.
I have a recurring issue that I struggle with. My mind works too fast for my mouth to keep up with and often when speaking I say things that don't match my intentions. Mentally I work best when I am able to focus on one thing at a time. The responsible person I must be at work is different than the responsible wife/mom I must be at home. I am a completely different wife/mother when my only responsibility in a day is to be the best wife/mom I can be. I have always wanted to be a stay-home mom. I never desired to have a career...but it isn't the lifestyle my husband and I have. It isn't possible right now and may never be. I feel like I cannot give my family what they deserve because I must give so much to a full time job...to be a different person at work than I am at home. It is a struggle that crescendo's and decrescendo's routinely in my life. It is a huge weight of responsibility to bear because I do want to be the super mom/wife that I think I could be if I weren't a working mom. I think perhaps my home would be cleaner, more organized. My children would have my full attention more often and I would know them better than I do.
And related to that issue is my second largest issue in life right now. Since I am in a full time job with responsibility, I want to share the burden of responsibility I feel for my family with my husband, but I don't think men are designed to think the way women are. Often I think my concerns are ones that don't even come up on his radar...makes me think of the book title Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. God certainly did not make us the same.
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