I officially started my new job this week. After months of being in limbo and weeks of being half moved between offices, today was the first day that I felt settled. The moving isn't complete, but I have what I need to do the daily tasks.
Spiritually after such a high in my last post, I am going through a bit of a struggle. Our pastor suggested a fasting period to start out the new year, not necessarily a food fast, but a fast of giving up something to spend time with the Lord on a regular basis. I chose to fast from something that I knew would be hard to do and I have to admit I haven't been very successful. The Lord has definitely been convicting my heart and showing me where I need to step it up in my committment to Him. I haven't decreased my normal time with Him, but I feel Him telling me that our relationship cannot reach the next level if I am not willing to surrender and commit to Him in the harder things.
I know that the act of surrender and self-sacrifice for the Lord may seem like I am de-valuing/ sacrificing myself...in a way it is. What kind of relationship lasts if one person isn't willing to sacrifice part of themselves for the other? I know I am in need of continued growth. In fact, I long for continued maturity and a closer relationship with the Lord. I long to live continually in His presence and to live in His embrace. My flesh resists this and tries to convince me that it isn't worth the reward, even though I know otherwise. My prayer is that the Lord will keep my perspective in check, that I will not take advantage of Him or devalue Him. What a travesty that would be! Who am I to say that a few moments of my time are greater than giving a few moments to Him? How dare I even think such a thing? I have done such a thing. And I regret it. I know I have missed greater things for a few moments of selfishness.
The positive in this is that the Lord doesn't keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13). He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. We can trust Him to forgive and continue to love us and to be absolutely thrilled in the moments we choose to spend with Him going forward. He isn't standing there saying, "Just think of what you have missed or where you could be if you..." He is standing there rejoicing in the choice that we have made to spend time with Him here and now.
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