'Perfect' Blogging Mood

Life continues to be an overwhelming balance of survival and striving to get ahead...to improve with each roll of the waves that push backwards as life moves forward.  This week was a challenging one.  At work we had two nights of a first-time event.  I would deem it successful, but also a learning process.  I worked a good 50 hours this week and the mind-numbing exhaustion is pulling at me.
At home it was another challenge to keep up with the housework...well, we didn't keep up.  My hubby's medication is on a nationwide shortage and his energy was an all time low since chemo.  He'd come home from work and take a two hour nap.  One night he fell asleep during dinner.  Thankfully he was able to get his prescription today so I am hopeful for a relaxing and restful weekend.

Through it all I am again learning to continue to rely on my Lord.  Seeking Him and trusting in His promises and faithfulness brings a comfort and a peace to the chaos of my life right now.  I have the thought that I am still not as moldable as the Lord would prefer me to be in the ministry He has placed me.  I am called to be where I am, doing what I'm doing.  Of that I am confident.  Letting go of the reigns of life to the Lord is something I have always struggled to do.  I used to stubbornly clench them in my fists and refuse to let go.  Now I find myself unconsciously playing with the reigns in my hands, not intentionally trying to steer my life, but unsure of how to live without a hand on the reigns, I don't quite know what it is to completely let go...and perhaps these struggles are teaching me how, little by little.  Walking in faith is so much more difficult when you can't let go of yourself, your hurts, and your self-trust.

It was surprising to discover how deep wounds can go.  I knew it stressed me to think of talking to the person who hurt me, but when I did, I just wasn't able to do more than formalities.  The hurt was too strong to try to talk without showing it was difficult.  This person wants to maintain our former friendship and I just don't know if it is possible.  I don't think I harbor any anger or hard feelings.  I just can't pretend everything is okay and there hasn't been a good opportunity to hash out what happened to see if the relationship can be repaired.

On the plus side, the Lord continues to show His faithfulness.  Even though this struggle feels overwhelming, I am surrounded by great support and my children are happy and we are continuing to improve being WITH each other.  My hubby and I are continuing to grow together as a couple and as parents.  God is Good.  ALL the time.  No matter what.