As I have repented and mulled over my outburst of anger I am learning about myself and discovering more of who I am versus who I portray myself as. James chapter 3 speaks of controlling the tongue and the difference between worldly wisdom and godly wisdom.
My typical behavior often portrays godly wisdom traits. Selfish ambition and bitter envy are not things I recognize in myself, but I think they are subtly in my personality in their own ways. Often the person I portray myself to be has very selfish or bitter thoughts. I just don't express them outwardly. Realizing this means that yes, I can be passive-aggressive. More than that, I'm understanding more of what it means when the bible says that God looks at the heart. Even if I'm behaving in a godly manner, God knows my heart and my true attitude about a situation. I want my heart attitude to match my behavior, and I don't want it to be in a selfish or bitter way!
If I may, have you journalled the feelings? Anger is a secondary emotion triggered by underlying feelings. If you have journalled the feelings, what memories also surfaced?
ReplyDeleteBetrayal was the biggest hurt behind the anger. Frustration at the cowardice to talk to me directly. Helplessness because the damage to my personal integrity and ability to do my job was undermined in a single betrayal. I hate to be helpless. I hate to be effected in a negative way by someone else's poor decision-making. That is why I am a control-freak...I am hurt less and have less negative situations in my life. I don't often journal about memories. I have few memories that ever surface because I don't recall detailed situations. I recall the emotions and lessons I learned in situations growing up. I grew up believing I had little value to others. I believed my voice was not important. I avoided conflict at all cost because it was safer that way. Those things are not truths, but they are part of who I was. Things I still am overcoming and things I am still learning from.
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