Losing my job hurt.
It still hurts to remember the way it happened. Being director wasn’t ever my goal. I remember feeling so honorable when I
offered to take the role. I believed
that by putting in an application, I was putting my future in God’s hands. I believed that if God wanted me there, He
would allow them to hire me and then He would equip me. After
I was given the position, a smaller prayer I prayed was that I was willing to
be director even if that meant I saw it fail…I truly believed it was the role
God had called me to be in at that point in my life. I never thought God would let me fail.
Was it a mistake to be in that role? I hesitate to go that far, and I wonder what might have been if I had not offered to take the role. Regardless, I have learned much along the way.
Becoming director was a huge change for me. The weight of responsibility fell heavily on
my shoulders. As my previous director’s
health had deteriorated, I had taken on most responsibilities of running the
center, but when I stepped into the role…those tasks continued in addition to
nonstop emails, phone calls and conversations.
It was overwhelming, but I was optimistic. I had lofty goals and dreams for making the
center the best it could possibly be.
Every experience seemed to be something I had never faced before. It was the hardest job I had ever had, and
even though it was incredibly difficult…I loved the challenges. I loved the successes. I analyzed the failures and learned ways to
improve.
Challenges became non-stop struggles. I’d complete one challenge and another would
fall in its place. Then they began piling
on top of each other. I learned to
prioritize and mentally compartmentalize them in order of importance or
urgency. In the beginning I felt like
God was running things and I was just the physical presence He worked
through. Subtly the struggles became
overwhelming. I learned to rely on the
Lord, not panicking when things looked to be failing, but waiting to see how He
would provide. He always did, even when
it got so complicated and overwhelming just to survive the day.
Along the way I lost heart.
I didn’t know how to handle the constant struggles. I was inexperienced in so many ways, doing
the best I could. I didn’t understand
what God was doing. Somewhere depending
on the Lord became flat out giving up. I
had no solutions, just the expectation that if God wanted the center to survive
the day, He would make it work.
It was a quick downward spiral the last six months. My superiors became too busy in their own
duties to provide any support and being the most experienced of my office team,
I felt very much as though I bore the weight of responsibility alone. In one area that I struggled, I asked my
superiors for help. Unfortunately the
help I hoped for was discouragement and impossible expectations. It reached a breaking point when I was unable
to meet their expectations. It truly was
the perfect storm.
During the specific situation that led to my decision to
leave my job, I kept my supervisor informed and worked with him. As the situation concluded, he in his own
overworked mental-state yelled at me and made false accusations. He completely forgot that I had kept him
informed and even followed his advice in attempting to reach the desired
outcome of the situation. It was the
second time he had yelled at me when things were stressful. I wasn’t willing to continue to let myself be
treated that way…no matter how stressed he was.
I requested that he speak to me calmly and with
respect. I told him that his yelling
shut me down mentally and emotionally and if that was going to be his approach
to me, I couldn’t stay. He responded
quickly, stating that I didn’t know what yelling was, he had only firmly stated
his displeasure and if I ever did that again I
would be looking for a job.
His response to me was exactly what I needed. After struggling for so long and losing
myself in the struggle, God gave me clear confirmation that I was no longer walking
in His will by being Director. I wrote a
letter of resignation and immediately began applying for jobs. I did not see
my supervisor the remainder of the week and did not submit my resignation yet, thinking perhaps it would be wisest to have another job in line before doing that.
The following Monday, he called me into his office and
informed me that they were making a change; that their philosophy and mine did
not mesh. He said I was a hard worker
and he would provide a good reference for me.
He gave me three days to leave and a very small severance pay that
stretched my accrued vacation time into a full month.
Even though I had planned to submit my resignation, being
let go hurt deeply. I felt like a
failure. I knew that the truth of my
departure would not be fully known and that I would not be able to give the
fond farewell I had hoped to clients and staff…especially the ones that I had
developed good relationships with. I
completed what I could and passed on the work to my assistant director who
would be left alone. I said goodbye to
some of the teachers, many were saddened and supportive of me. I was thankful to have their encouragement and
support.
I know God shut that door.
I know I needed the change. The
hurt is still healing and may always cause some sadness and discouragement. God has provided a new position that promises
growth and a chance to use my skills. It
also provides more time to be with my family.
In many ways, being let go has been a blessing in
disguise. Instead of working the last
month of summer, I was able to be home.
The time at home was very relaxing and a much needed time of healing for
me. As much as I was afraid to leave my
old job, I don’t miss it at all. It is a
breath of fresh air to be free. I feel
like in the role of Director, I stepped away from my God-given gifts. God gifted me in service and in administration. I am excited to have the freedom to serve
again.
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