Falling Down

I find it ironic that my last post was labeled "Living Faith" and this very next post is at one of my low points.  I started back to work full time this week for the first time in what feels like a very long time.  I was working part time at home and part time at work during chemo.  It's been a rough adjustment for me to go back and I'm feeling the stress and weariness hit me.  I work in the typical middle-management role with break time allowed, but rarely taken due to the nature of the job.

Even though we are finished with chemo, my better half is still very, very ill.  I look forward to his health improving, but it is slow going.  We don't even know what the long-term side effects will be yet.  Tonight I am tired of "fighting the good fight."  I'm just plain tired, but haven't gone to bed yet because I'm avoiding the dishes and clutter I need to take care of.

My faith took a blow this week also because I made some bad choices and sinned.  This seems easier to do when I am tired mentally and physically.  I've confessed and asked forgiveness, but I really felt the effect spiritually between me and God.  He's continually teaching me and growing me into a better person, but I still make mistakes and they aren't fun to learn from.  It's amazing how Satan pounces on you once you allow a little sin into your life, even for a moment.  He uses it to condemn you and mentally bash your confidence.  My thoughts have run the gammet from, "I'm so unworthy" to "Why would God even consider using me to serve His people again"  If I didn't know the promises in His word, I might fall prey to those condemning thoughts...and, even though I do know His promises, those thoughts hurt and I have to battle against them.  I am just praying for God to give me His perspective, a view from outside myself.  I know that this is only a step of my journey and with God, I can overcome anything.

...It's about an hour later than my above writing. I was reading through a blog of someone who I highly respect and love as my sister in Christ, even though we don't know each other well. She is a cancer survivor and her blog is at:
http://jillian-commitingmywaysuntothelord.blogspot.com/
Jillian is a true child of God and has such a happy heart.  Her cancer experience was much worse than ours has been.  I can't imagine, but the things she has blogged about are similar to what I have discovered spiritually in these past few months.  It did my heart good to see her frame of mind before cancer, during, and after.  Cancer just is horrible.  I never wanted to know it.  God's ways are not my ways and He has definitely changed me for the better in all of this.  I praise Him for who He is and I don't have the words to express.  Jillian is an upbeat, postive person.  Thank you, Jillian, for being honest and sharing your journey.  God is definitely using it!