The Cancer Life

Daily life in our household has changed.  I am learning new ways of coping and surviving...more than just surviving.  I am learning boundaries and actions I need to take to preserve my family and my own sanity.

My husband hasn't become the sickly, gaunt person I was afraid of.  It's true he constantly feels ill and fatigued.  But he is still able to be present and participate in most family routines.  We can still eat at the table as a family on his good days and we've adjusted other routines to still be a whole family.

We have made it through the first round of chemo.  Two more to go.  Next week will be challenging as it is the first week of round two with five full days of treatment.  Now that we've been through it once, I can more realistically anticipate what might happen and I feel more ready for it.  I think I'm more prepared for the loneliness on the days he is too sick to be present.  I pray for God's closeness and the strength to see through His eyes on those days.  I much prefer to look at this from a Heavenly perspective than my own selfish view.

My awareness of the need to spend time with God has been heightened.  I yearn for the peace and refreshing I find when I read His Word and make moments focused just on Him.  My children and I have taken to singing worship songs in the car on the way to school.  The old, melodious songs I learned in my youth.  I don't even know if I am singing the songs correctly, but we are praising the Lord together and loving it.

I'm searching to hear the Lord's voice throughout my day to learn where I need to be refined and changed.  I'm learning so much.  How to be a mother bearing the weight of responsibility, while still within a marriage, and the little choices I make have such a huge impact on the outcome of our daily lives.  I mess up quite a lot and there are moments that I just am in my "flesh" and don't want to care about anybody else.  But in those moments and afterward, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me, chiding me and prodding me to think, repent, and forgive.  I'm not alone in this journey even though I sometimes feel lonely.  I serve such an awesome God.  and He cares about little me amongst all my failures and problems.  :)