Rushing River

Watching my husband lose his hair was hard.  He finally looks like a cancer patient, there is no pretending that cancer isn't there.  He's had the same hairstyle since I've known him.  He's had facial hair 98% of our life together.  It's amazing what a silly thing like hair can change.  He has not changed, just the outward appearance.  He is handsome to me and I love him just as much as ever.  It is the fact that there is no denying what we are dealing with that is hard.  Perhaps I'm moving on from the denial stage of grief.  What is next?  Bargaining?  Anger?  I really can't imagine those.

I feel like a leaf caught in the currents of a rushing river.  I can't change circumstances.  I can't push back or stop the waters.  I can't swim out of the current.  I can only go with the flow and try to stay afloat. Try to keep my family afloat.  The things close to my heart are my children and my husband.  I desire that they would be stable, positive, and strengthened in their walk with the Lord. Sometimes it doesn't seem like much has changed and other times it seems like a lot has changed.  This isn't what I dreamed for my family. 

As I read what I've written.  I am seeing the word  "I" a lot.  There should be more of "HIM" in there.  More trusting the Lord to carry us in this rushing river of cancer.  More of Him and less of me.  I cannot do this without him.  My family cannot overcome without Him.  Lord, I ask you to keep my eyes and my heart focused on You.  In Jesus Name, Amen