Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

(a quote from Pinky & the Brain)

I'm tired and grouchy today.  I wasn't sure if I should bother to blog today, even though it has been a while since I last wrote.  I figure if this blog is only sunshine and roses, it wouldn't be true to the title of Faith in REALITY....so in reality, how is my faith?

Well, today it feels stalled. Or rather, I feel my brain is clouded with fatigue and long lists of important information I don't want to forget, but haven't had time to process.  It is hard to get my mind to quiet itself to hear from God.  I'm afraid to even try sometimes because I don't know if I will be able to focus on the things of God in the midst of my thoughts.  From the outside, my life has returned to normal.  The children are back in school.  I'm back at work.  Home life is calming, but it is not "normal".  In fact, it is different than it has ever been before.  We're still living in the temporary void called Recovery.  To the children, Daddy, is unable to do the things he used to do with them, but they love to sit with him in his chair.  To me, my husband is 'absent' simply because he is unable to be the man he was before surgery.  He will be that man again.  I know that.  It is just a long road to get there.  He is there, doing his best to heal and be a part of our lives.  I miss working together around the house.  I miss the rough-housing and teasing.  I miss sitting together watching TV.  Being the only healthy parent and only cook/housekeeper/physician, etc. is so exhausting.

I praise the Lord that I have kept up with the tasks that face me each day, but I feel fatigued in my soul...it is a feeling that doesn't go away.  I sleep alone at night because my husband has not healed enough to sleep in bed yet.  My ears are attuned to the children's night time noises.  I will need to answer them if I hear the thud of a child falling out of bed or a cry from a nightmare.  My thoughts are always full of what I need to do next to keep life going.  I don't think my mind ever rests, even when sleeping. 

My quiet time with the Lord yesterday was reading stories of David from my bible while I soaked in the tub...the only down time I really get, except when I have a lunch break at work.  I really enjoyed just reading of David.  It isn't often that I get engrossed in my bible.  Sometimes it is just hard to read, or only a few verses stand out at me that really touch me, but last night it was like reading a novel and I enjoyed that.  I'm not even sure what book I was reading, but it was about David being the anointed king over Israel after Saul's death, but before he was recognized and treated as king.  He always seemed to have the respectful way to react to issues that came up when it would have been easy for him to react in sin.  He seemed to know exactly how God would have him respond.  I want to be that close to God too, to hear that small quiet voice behind me saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.'  (Isaiah 30:21)