Coping

Man, this is tough!  I spent most of my evening barely holding back tears last night and crying when I thought about my fears.  Trying to comprehend how life is going to change was, and is, so hard to do.  I keep waiting for the shock to wear off.  I felt numb to the world most of the day today and grocery shopping with my daughter was the only thing to get me out of my numb world.  I actually didn't think about cancer or chemo for an hour!

I read my bible as usual this morning.  It was good.  I prayed on the way to a training class I had to go to, just asking God to keep my heart and mind focused on him and trusting in him.  I cried then, but made it through the class without crying, even though I felt like any little thing said or thought and I'd lose it in front of everybody.   My hubby spent the day watching tv with our children (something they enjoy) and then playing his computer games trying to keep his mind off of cancer.  I think I've considered all the things I know I could fear so far and so I'm not thinking of new fears, but one sad point has been on my mind today.  Chemo is almost a sure bet we will not have any more children.  I wanted God to decide for me if we should have more or shouldn't, but I was hoping he'd give us a child and not cancer.  I'm not depressed about it, but it is a sad bit of closure.  I guess the positive side is that we'll have more space in our house after we give away our baby items that we won't be needing.

I'm tired and will hopefully sleep good tonight.  It helps me cope and work out what's going on in my head to write these blogs.  Thank you for your prayers.  Good-night.