Grief

1. Denial

2. Bargaining

3. Anger

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Those are the stages of grief.  I don't know that I have gone through all of them before.  I don't know if my practical mind would allow it.  I could see "denial" as the difficulty to believe that this situation is real.  I know my husband has cancer.  I know we're going to go through 9 long weeks of chemo therapy...and that is if everything goes as planned.  It could take longer if complications arise.  I still have trouble realizing the truth of those words. 

We could start chemo as early as next week.  I should be preparing like crazy, but it all seems so unreal.  I don't even know how to prepare or what to expect.  I have a specific number of PTO hours, and not having gone through this before I don't know what the best way to use those hours might be.  I don't know all the specifics of how his treatment plan will go yet, so I don't know how to prepare the children or myself.  I can't imagine my husband without hair.  All I can imagine from people I've seen with cancer is a tall, gaunt, smooth-skinned figure.  And that isn't my husband at all.

The one thing I thought I knew about chemo turns out to be a false idea too.  Turns out a good number of men after this chemo go on to have children of their own.  A smaller number of course cannot.  I had accepted the fact of no more children and now again, it is a possibility, although a very uncertain one.  I was beginning to plan on what baby items to sell, what to give away, what to share, and how to use the space it would free up.  So much for that. :P

I'm just at a loss right now.  I'm not fearful, not numb.  It just doesn't feel real.  My husband looks healthy.  He feels healthy.  I know it is going to all change, but I can't comprehend it right now.