Day 4 of Chemo: Fatigue, Digestion Issues, Nausea
My husband's health deteriorates more and more each day. It hurts to watch him change. I feel like I'm losing my husband, the man I know him to be is disappearing...he'll return, but it'll be a long while. He is weak and tired. He can't participate in our family routine of putting our children to bed and other routines of life at home. They are missing their daddy and I hurt for them too. The part of the journey I've been dreading is here...being the single parent, the caregiver-spouse who is on her own. I have a lot of help and a huge crowd of believers praying for me and my family. I have my Lord and the blessing of His Word to read. It still hurts. I'm still sad. Not all the time, but right now, at night when I'm alone is when I feel it the most. I am strong in Christ, but I don't always feel strong.
Yesterday he was tired, but I had the afternoon with him while the children were still at school and we had a good chunk of quality time just hanging out and watching Voyager (yup, we're Trekkie's!). I so enjoyed yesterday! Today I worked the whole day through and brought the children home after school got out. I was tired from a full day and he was already beginning to crash for the evening. We had a simple supper camped out in the living room, not the normal dinner experience, but at least together. I want to create new routines centered around our family being together as much as possible. I want them to still have their daddy as a part of their daily routines, even though our routines are changing. The balancing act is a challenge.
As I think over all of this, I have a choice to make in my heart. I can wallow in the 'depths of despair' and beat myself up with misplaced 'mommy guilt' and loneliness or I can look to see what God has in this place right now. I'm going to spend some time in prayer. I need to draw close to my Lord and Saviour and find my sustenance and joy in Him. If there is one thing I know for sure...I cannot do this on my own.
That is me at night after a long day and wishing I would have done some things a little differently.
ReplyDeleteToday I am in much better spirits. I spent time talking to God last night and getting out my thoughts. Then, my husband woke up and we had a good conversation together and had some quality time. Something I didn't know if I was going to have anytime soon. Thank you, Lord! I needed it.