More Waiting

The frustrating thing about your world turning upside-down for a medical concern such as cancer, is the waiting process between each doctor visit and each test that is done.  The test for the ultrasound came back from the radiologist the following week and the primary care physician told us the results were "inconclusive" and we needed to see a specialist for follow-up.  Mentally my jaw dropped.  How could the tests be inconclusive?!  That was the worst answer we could have received...it was basically no answer at all. 

So the waiting continued.  We continued to hope for the best, and some days I bought into the belief that perhaps it was just an infection or a harmless cyst.  But after the ultrasound was done, a second lump appeared near the first.  Inwardly my heart sank and I prepared myself for the worst.  I tried to avoid it, but found my mind wandering to how I would support my children financially without my husband...how I might attempt to help them cope with the loss of their daddy and how I would raise them to remember him.  Some days I floated through, just numb to the world.  Other days I was good and able to focus and almost forget the unknown future in store for me.

My emotions were all over the place.  I was strong and confident that this was part of God's plan for our lives and he 'works all things for the good of those who love him', so I didn't concern myself too much with the future.  I couldn't stop all those thoughts and fears, but they did not overwhelm me.  On the bad days, I just was filled with a sadness.  It wasn't fear.  It was sadness, a deep wellspring of sadness that tears would just fall from my eyes without control.

Finally, we made it to the next doctor appointment with the specialist.  I hoped to have answers, but we did not receive that.  We got more information of the possibilities, blood tests done, and another visit with now a cancer specialist.  After this visit (since it was the first I attended with my hubby) I felt much more informed and aware of our situation.  The doctor said it could be cancer, but he wasn't experienced enough and was referring us to the most experienced doctor available to us.  The appointment was set for the very next day (another Friday).  I hoped to have answers in the morning.