The Warrior is a Child

This may be one of my most emotional posts.  It's late at night and I'm tired, stressed.  That seems to be the time when I am most vulnerable and unable to stay strong.

I don't know how to be vulnerable to others.  I can in writing because I don't have to be there while you read this.  Those of you who know me will probably get on my case tomorrow, but if I called you, I don't really know what I would say.  How do you talk about the hurts and sadness that you don't even understand yourself?  Yes, I know the feelings are normal for what I'm going through.  I know they are okay to have.  Sometimes I just wish I had someone to hug and cry on their shoulder and have them tell me...I don't know...something that would make me feel better.  I don't know if there is anything you could say to me to help.  I know so much of what everyone tells me when they are trying to help, but I feel the pain of it anyway.

I just want this cancer to go away.  I wish it never came here.  I wish my husband didn't have to go through this surgery.  I wish this was done.  I don't want to be where I am.

The title to this blog comes from a song by Twila Paris.  It is exactly what I'm going through right now...I have no other words to describe it:

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

As I write and read this, my emotions become more clarified thoughts.  What is bothering me right now?  The stress of all the small details of preparing my home and family for a drastic change to our lives.  The stress of being afraid of the effects this surgery will have on the man I know as my husband.  It is no small surgery and definitely going to be a challenging recovery...I suppose I might call someone now...now that I have an idea of what is causing the emotions.